exercizes in consciousness

Visions in lates and grass

2008-08-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

To be grateful and content while simultaneously unsatisfied, growing, and challenged. This is the conundrum of my life as Ashley Miller. Does someone who places such importance on becoming one’s best self, on discovery, experience, understanding, and purpose ever find contentment in something constant? If so, what aspect of life does it touch…love, career, self-realization, health? And the perspectives within which areas need to change to balance this constant that becomes the all important? If not, how does one truly accept the purposefulness of constant motion and perceived progression? Does she tune out the pulls and whispers of convention within her mindset, argue with the mindsets of others around her…does she live a purpose so full of unrest but of constant evaluation and adapting that it is accepted as conventional…

Its Monday tomorrow, august 11th, 2008 and I will wake up late morning on Main street in Napa, California, in the united states of America on the North American continent of the planet earth within the galaxy Milky Way. I will wake up a female in her mid-twenties, unattached to a significant other. Hmmmm….

And here it is, Monday August 11th, and I sit a strong, determined human being…envisioning all this life has to offer, all I will see, hear, feel during my time on earth.

I awoke much earlier than I thought this morning. Though it feels so great to approach the day with a full night’s rest, the days I awake and the day is all my own I am just too excited to drift away in bed. These are the days, fortunately, that 8 hours of sleep does not noticeably affect the way I go about the day. Challenging days at work definitely benefit with being at 100%.

So I threw on my running shoes and jogged down to Fuller park on the other side of downtown Napa. There is something so empowering about being far away from anywhere you might want to be later and knowing only your feet can bring you back there. I passed people watering their yards, others who wished me a great morning , young mothers exercising with groups of baby strollers, and youth out strolling to a soundtrack only their ears can hear. I run by the café in which I now sit and stretch in the park by my house. Yoga motions calm my always racing mind and center my energy. And I walk away grateful and empowered.
I see my 30 something self, walking a stroller next to a similar tree protected park, hand in the hand of another who is by best friend, my inspiration, my partner in dreams, business, the daily doldrums…I see us satisfied by the work we do, having time away from it to sleep in the woods, drive across the country, drink wine over Sunday dinners with family, meditate, stretch, and fornicate…

Because I can see it, it will be mine.

Keeping in touch...

2008-08-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

It's difficult without internet. I've been writing my thoughts in my little black book lately...even more so, turned on to photo documentation again. However, sans internet, I now so vow to type while at home, post while enjoying the wi-fii and beer of others...

Oh sweet world. Hmmm….

I just returned from two days away, an escape towards bliss. It was beautiful. After a full day at the winery I was greeted at my house by a beautiful man with flowers in his hands…( he gave me potted flowers, enough said. He had left me a message to have a bag packed with a swim suit, some hiking shoes, and something warm and to wear something nice, he will be there to pick me up at 7:30. So, five minutes early, he helped me put my pet in its cage, load up my stuff, we put his music equipment in my storage for our Tuesday return, and we made our way towards downtown napa. A bottle of wine in hand, my eyes closed, we skipped to restaurant Allegria where he had reserved the best table in the house: within the private vault of this refurbished old bank. It was beautiful. Over candlelight we dined on crab cakes, fresh greens, skirt steak satay, fresh bread and olive oil, and saffron pasta. We started our drive to the coast with our current favorite cd blasting and chocolate in mouth, accompanied by a night sky full of stars. After a quick stop at Skaggs Island, we decided we better try to check in before midnight at our inn. I had no idea where we were going, but I could taste the salt in the air as we winded up the 101. We pulled into Stinson Beach about 12:30 and the door to our room at the Redwood Haus was left agar for us. I love waking up with this man. It is always after a restful sleep…something about his presence puts me at ease and I sleep so soundly. I’ve even turned into a nap taker while he’s around. And we wake up singing and giggling and grateful for the day. So on this Monday morning, we got on our hiking gear, headed downstairs for some breakfast, then set out on Mt. Tamalpais. It was a great morning with fog then sun, a bit of getting lost, steep ravine and dipsea trails that led to an afternoon of play at the beach. Saul likes to use and feel his body as much as I so we cart wheeled, played Frisbee and invented a new lacrosse-like game even. After he jumped in the ocean and this chicken stayed ashore, we took a siesta and reinvented 4:20 to our liking. I snuck away for surprise espressos before our hike back to get the car. The conversations with this man are incredible. He is quickly becoming an incredible friend. And it scares me. And its comfortable. And it awakens my soul and it hurts my heart. He lights me on fire and he soothes me completely. And it scares me but I jumped in completely anyway. So we played Beemo out on the cliffs, Saul had to hurdle the fence, and we headed back to clean up. Before another outing I got to see some footage from his last show. This man in a suit, playing blues with some incredible musicians is a captivating experience. But we tore away for some oysters by the sea side. Another reason I appreciate this lovely one? I order us beers, he orders us shots of patron, we both want half raw and half BBQed oysters, no sauce, just garlic and butter and spice. We fit. He even dances with me in the middle of restaurants when I ask for his hand. So he teaches me blessings in Yiddish to honor our alcohol and aphrodisiacs and we play rummy for hours. After meeting every possible person in the bar, we decided that a warm bed and a movie was the next best thing. So we laughed all the way home and were probably way too loud trying to pick the best VHS in the Inn and make cinnamon toast, but we found ourselves watching Alien Resurrected for a maximum of 15 minutes before falling into slumber. This morning we were awakened by the Inn keeper playing his trumpet outside our window (Saul and him really hit it off, but he gets along with just about anybody and everything, except dairy). After a talk about how people wake up and watch the news and how terribly depressing that can be, we decide to start our day with a little Roy Rogers video. Much more pleasant . So we laced up our running shoes and greeted the day with a jog…to run out the tequila, beer, wine, and mudslides from the night before…and raced along the beach. This time I swam. It was incredible. First time in the ocean for 2008…I couldn’t believe it! We shared a hot shower, packed up our things and headed down the street for a bite to eat and some much-needed coffee, realizing it was already 2 in the afternoon. We shared some pokey and a steak sandwich and fries, some more kisses and laughs and made our way back toward home. Our timing being off, we had to stop in San Rafael so he could teach an online guitar lesson. He hunkered into a wi-fii café and I walked the streets and bought a new dress for work. I found him some new albums too: Ray Charles sings the blues and some Van Morrison, so now he’ll fix his player. Now I’m back in Napa, sipping some tea after unpacking some things. Saul’s doing another lesson before his show tonight which I will head to later. And tomorrow morning I will begin two days of double-shifters and he will leave. And I will miss him. Like I already do. I already do. And it scares me. And I don’t care. But it hurts, it is painful. And I am so full of pleasure when I’m beside him. Hmmmm…

Blessed is this life, I'm going to celebrate being alive

2008-06-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

My car smells of a vineyard. It smells delightful. Yeast, grape leaves, and rich soil swirled sweetly on my drive home tonight. I finished my 3rd day of work. I love it. Almost on the dot, I laugh out loud every half hour that I am where I am, doing what i am doing. It is beautiful and words cannot even begin to describe.

So I love this crew. I can foresee us all getting along very nicely and it feels so good to be a part of it. Day one was excellent. Many introductions, we gave a morning tour and tasting, lunch at the brewery and a drive to some of our vineyards with Wendy, and little intro to the tasting room. Tuesday was another good one. We did a full reserve room tasting with food pairing and I worked a couple hours in the tasting room. I love it: I like making sales, meeting the visitors, pouring beautiful wine. And we got a carpool going, which will be great. A few of us live on the north end of napa, so I'll probably only drive up a couple days a week.

I went in later today. We did a full dinner and wine pairing with the Silverado resort for 17 Shell executives. It was picturesque. After rolling in on their bus to our back reserve room, they were greeted by Wendy and me with pinot noir and Savignon Blanc on a gorgeous patio surrounded by one of our vineyards, olive trees, fountains and old barrels. The weather was perfect, the sunset was great, and they were a good crew. After appetizers and quite a few bottles, we took them to our dinning room fit for a queen. We paired a starter salad with Chardonnay, the main course with our Cabernet, threw in a surprise reserve cab, then finished desert with a bellmoscato.

I have the day off tomorrow. And life hasn't been just all about work since I've been here. All of 3 days :) The garden house is incredible. It is 5 miles up into the hills on the north side of Napa and so serene. Its 5 bedrooms are made of stone and wood floors and it feels so good to be over looking the city, vineyards and farms. There are 3 living rooms, a hot tub, and its on the garden for Ubuntu...what more could you ask for! So, yes, I've done some gardening for Rose while she is away in Mendocino, got moved in a bit, saw some live music in town, had the most amazing breakfast date with company that makes me smile, just thinking bout it...

But, yes, it is all very amazing and breathtaking. I really have to laugh quite often that this is my reality. Tomorrow I meet with the Bounty Hunter again about working there a few nights a week, I'm going to taste at a new winery, and I think I will go to the Chef's market downtown. Friday work begins with a staff meeting with the winemaker, Dean, who I simply adore. He is such a great man, from what I have already gotten to know. We are going to taste all the current releases with him and get some great notes. Saturday a big wedding party is coming through...36 of them! I got to serve the bride and mother yesterday in the tasting room and prepare their wedding party gifts. That will be a fun day. Sunday I have off. I'm going to a southern Presbyterian-type? church in Oakland with the amazing breakfast company :) then to a BBQ to give homage to wild pacific salmon. where we will eat wild pacific salmon and work to protect them? hmmmmm....

Anyway, I couldn't have asked for(or, rather, worked hard to achieve) a more perfect situation.

To being blessed.

I have tears in my ears

2008-06-06T22:31:00.001-07:00

A quote from my mom tonight.

We have this ongoing tradition that I clean her house on Fridays, she comes home to cocktails and me playing the piano, either my dad or I cooking a great dinner, and the evening is complete with cards, a game of yatzee, a movie, or just laying around talking. well, there's been times that we have danced. Quite a bit.

But this was our last one for a while. And laying on the floor after steak, grilled zeggies, and zin...a bit of old jazz from the piano and folk from the radio...she said she does not want sunday to come. i'm leaving sunday. And though I love my mom, I know she loves me, I tell her she's my best friend and I mean it, i didn't quite grasp that she was feeling this way.

i thought she might focus on the alternative...was her daughter really going to live around town forever? is ashley lacking feelings of vigor, of progress and challenge? But, God, it is good to know this. To know, if even with pain, these feelings of love. It is good to know she would be there for me no matter what, no matter when. I can come to her when I really need her. And that is not something I practice much. But there are those days that just knowing that will be the most comforting thing in the world.

But, too, it is hard to be the one who is left. I am sorry. So sorry. that you will walk down those stairs and my false presense will mock you like a ghost. that there might be those days that you need some girl time after work but all you might feel is alone, even abandoned. I miss you so much thinking of it. Already. i miss you so much.

i am so sorry. That I get to be the one that leaves, walks towards excitement and beginnings, rather then stay with a vacancy. it's hard to be the one who stays when things change.

but think of the phone calls, the visits down, the reunions at home. THink how special they will be! the months of love and stories and growth concentrated in one beautiful connection...
it will be special. not what it is now, which, despite what you might think I think, is so important to me, something I hold dear.

i wish you could take me leaving not so personally. And I know you dont. Right? you dont right...despite what sometimes crosses your mind? I am not unhappy here. i am not unhappy with you. I am me. And you know me.

Today, I cleaned her house for the last (regular:) time. I washed my car to be presentable in a new place. I changed its oil so it will get me there happily. I deposited last checks from my old job. i canceled my gym membership. I picked up months of presciptions...I am ready.

so full of confidence that only many years of love and belief in my special capabilities could grant me.

I thank you. from the center of my being, I thank you. And that's where I love you from too. Always.

Ash

421, the life changing time

2008-06-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

So after a late night, I awoke at 7 this morning to Jungle fever being blasted 9 inches from my resting head and a kid learning how to sand cabinets. Given there is a wall in-between my headache and this ruckus, I’m over it. And laughing about it too. I bet a million dollhairs this will not happen in Napa. Not in a million dollhairs. Nor, however, do I think I will get to wake up with a blister on my thumb every Friday from playing rockband karaoke in a bar full of my three favorite Mexican lads: Henry, Carlos, and Chester. All in one room! Well, it was a good last night out of freedom. I don’t think I’ll have a day off for a few months. Not one day.

So I start my job in Napa on Monday morning. So many emotions. And after a couple requests for an updated blog, I’m going to jump on that train and write about the experience. Since it might be tough keeping sane, a clear perspective, and in touch with loved ones while working so much.

So a few weeks ago my job was winding down at the county, I had gotten a job bartending, but wasn’t getting many shifts (okay, not really any at all), and I hadn’t heard back from Sac State if I was accepted to start graduate school in the fall. And when this girl thinks she isn’t challenged, isn’t taking steps in a direction to provide growth and advancement, isn’t providing a useful service…she gets a crazy notion. And when I get an idea in my head, well, its there, not really going anywhere, and I act on it.

The idea of chasing the job in the wine industry did not arise from thin air, however. And my family and friends would surely second that. I love wine. I love wine tasting. I went wine tasting for my 16th birthday and have never been the same. While in school at Tacoma, I spoke with wine reps during evening tastings and envied their work. I traveled to Spain and France and stared out the windows of trains at the beautiful countrysides terraced with vines. While in Mexico, I emailed every winery in the Grass Valley vicinity to see if I could come do any work with them upon my arrival back to the states.

There is something about wine tasting that resonates within my entire being. You often taste with people you respect and love. If you taste alone, you more often than not make a respected friend during the experience. While tasting, you quiet your mind and let your senses do the speaking. You eyes note the color of the wine: is it a rich yellow? A crisp, youthful red? An autumn burgundy that fades to brown? You feel the wine, carefully spinning, allowing air to penetrate its juices, noting its weight and consistency. You immerse your nose in your glass, slowly smelling its beauty as if it were a soft flower. And you listen to its sent: does it speak of tropical pineapple? Cinnamon? Mocha? Sweet plums? Then finally, you bring it to your lips and taste. And every moment it is in your mouth its personality evolves. Its sweetness flirts with the tip of my tongue. It’s acids tease the edges where my tongue touches my teeth. As I move it around my mouth, making sure no part of my senses feels left out, I breath once more through my lips and out through my nose as I swallow. Does it leave me with a lingering message or does it quickly disappear, leaving me wanting more?

Wine is beautiful. It is a modern developing science. It is a history. It is a world united by a fine art. It is connecting with the soils of the earth. And I am excited to learn and be involved with every aspect I can.

So a couple weeks ago, I sent out my resume to about 15 wineries. I developed a cover letter specific to each. They ranged from international, bubble-producing, large scale tasting rooms, to family-run, appointment only, removed estate wineries. I drove down to Napa shortly after, had interview after interview, sometimes second interviews, some offers, some more resume send outs, and finally, I got an offer from the winery I was holding out for.

I will be doing reserve room pouring and food pairings for Whitehall lane Winery. The road that borders the renowned winery shares its name. It lays right off the 29 heading from Napa to St. Helena . Its wines got named by Wine Spectator top five in the world, 3 out of the past 5 years. The owner works there 4 days a week, which I guess is unheard of. Most owners are big business men living an hour away in san Francisco who buy a winery to add to their list of accomplishments. Our owner was this man but fell so in love with the winery that he got his hands into the mess. Literally. And so did his family. So its small and family run, yet busy due to its location and name it has built for itself. It has a long history of growing grapes on the soil it now cultivates, but is fairly new, really developing in the 70s. And there are a lot of changes going on, which I am excited to be a part of.

I was scared during the process. I still am too. I had moments of feeling inadequit. I blew an interview, didn’t hear back from a few wineries. Completely guessed during a blind tasting. Got offers and turned them down with no backup yet. Felt alone, floundering in a new place. Wondered what I was getting myself into.

But I had moments of greatness too. It feels right when I am there. I've already met some amazing new people. i had great interviews that lasted 2 hours then ended in wine tasting. A winemaker told me I have the best palate of any young woman he has ever met (though I don't know what to take from that).

But I got myself into something great. So I’ll be working full time, Wednesday to Sunday, and hopefully also at a restaurant/wine merchant downtown Sunday-Tuesday. I worked there already one evening and met 3 winemakers in 2 hours who offer insight to the growing year, free tastings and tours at their estates with wine to take home, and an energy that is comparable to no other place in the world I am sure.
Napa is a world of its own, I must say. The food, the scenery, the people: from the tourists to the locals to the transplants who love wine and moved just to work with it. It’s an hour from my brother and friends in SF, an hour to family and friends in sacto, 2 to the foothills, and 3 to skiing. Not too bad.

That being said, the afternoon I got offered a job at Whitehall I checked my email and got an acceptance to sac state in the fall. I looked at the clock and it was 4:21. My life-changing time.

So, I have 3 more days of freedom before jumping into that other world. I spent yesterday wrapping up things with the county, having dinner with friends, playing with others. I need to spend sometime packing, though I will be house-sitting a house out on a beautiful garden for the next couple months, so wont bring much. Friday dinner with the folks tonight. Saturday a good day at the river, listing to blues and drinking beers at the Coloma Blues fest.
But I better go. I have a lot to get done on 4 hours of sleep and this cabinet making is a bit much to handle.

I have the need to be on fire...

2008-03-26T22:24:00.000-07:00

...I have icebergs to melt. ~William Loyd Garrison.

This quote has stuck with me since I read it a few years back. I take it with me everywhere I go because it is in my wallet. It's meaning has changed for me over time. garrison was an abolitionist. I think I found it when my mind and goals were centered on the rights and well being of others. It has conjured for me thoughts of melting the walls people put up around them. For much time it made me feel very powerful, in high demand, ready to take on any challenge. I still find this message within it. I realize now, too, however, that I have always placed much importance on recognition, prestige, being the best. I have let my pride stand between me and love & acceptance.

I know I am not the best. And it is with this recognition that I can release and explore and admit that I don't know what I am doing and that I need help, and enjoy and exist in the present moment.

So, yes, I have the need to be on fire. I have icebergs to melt. But fire can take on many appearances. Often times it is felt by one, unnoticed by many. Sometimes fire is dangerous: its heat has no regard for the lives of others, but changes everything in its path. Sometimes it burns low and can keep many people warm for hours.

I often am reminded of a conversation I had with a friend many years ago...well :) many is relative. But about 6 0r 7! hmmmm...crazy....
He wished that he could be that type of person who took people by surprise: that people expected little of him and he was able to impress them. He would prefer that over his typical situation of people expecting greatness, and not that they were let down by what they observed or received from him, but that he could pleasantly surprise people, avoid some of the pressure and eager expectations, and even slip by unnoticed sometimes.

When we expect greatness of ourselves, others are bound to expect it too. We are always trying to improve and we have to adjust our idea of what fulfills our definition of greatness.

I'm excited to just let myself falter a little bit, make mistakes, explore what I never even was able to imagine in my idea of greatness and fire. What shape will my iceberg take?

A quote I have always liked a little more:

**Life...
is either a
DARING ADVENTURE or nothing.
To keep our
FACES TOWARD CHANGE,
and behave like
FREE SPIRITS
in the presence of
FATE
is strength undefeatable.
***
Helen Keller

The ability to adjust and keep a positive outlook is imperative to happiness and success. I am surprisingly hopeful.

So after an amazing visit with Minerva in Albuquerque (i will be able to write that word without conscious effort someday if its the last thing I do) full of great chats, cabins, cards, tequila, skiing, new friends, cookin feasts, champagne, great weather, long walks, and fun exploration...I prepare to leave for another few days. I flew in, explored Sacramento some, got some new spring clothes, bid a friend farewell over Sushi, darts, and open mics before their trip to Costa Rica, thought I got accepted into the doctorate program at NYU, realized that I got accepted only to the MA program and would not receive a fellowship, got down, slept, got a good report from the dentist, studied for the damn Psych GRE, ran out some frustration, and gained new perspective. I feel good. Again. And in the morning I take 18 junior highers on an excursion that will change who they are. not too shabby this life of mine. And sleep calls.

Since II...

2008-03-13T05:32:00.000-07:00

So. Since February 24th...

I dove deep into a study plan for the Psychology GRE.
I have cut my hair in support of my friend's boy with leukemia.
It's been that time of the month.
I've ventured back out into the social scene.
I saw a doctor.
I have strolled the streets of Grass Valley, drinking wine.
I won a game of darts.
I played improve piano with a guitarist in a hotel.
I coached the ski team at State Championships.
I played my first round of guitar hero.
I had a first kiss.
I've paid bills.
I got a rejection letter to grad school.
I got ANOTHER rejection letter to grad school!
I've started date night with Sabrina
I cleaned this darn huge house 2 times.
I went hiking.
I went hiking again.
I made Champagne mojitos.
I watched A LOT of grey's Anatomy.
I had a play date with the gals in oakland.
I've talked to my uncle more than I did the last 6 months.
I've gone dancing.
I've gone tanning :)
I finished all my fed and state taxes.
I sang Stevie Wonder kareoke.
I made eggplant parmegian.
I've gotten pretty into American Idol.
I yelled at a friend.
I've smiled. A lot.

Since...

2008-03-13T04:56:00.000-07:00

Since February 24th...is much different?
Does it feel different?
i can't say I haven't felt the need or the desire to write here, creating a sign that things are different. I have. Is it telling then, that I just had nothing to write? Another 'no'. Have I been short on time and not able to write? Perhaps this is a factor. Slightly. Not that I have experienced more pressing activities and tasks. Not so much, no.

Winter.
I said once this winter that we humans are really made to catch up on rest during the winter months. The day light hours are short, it is cold outside. We put aside chores that could be done in warmer months; some sense of the word adventure to get comfortable in what we already know; beginning explorations to contemplate and understand where we are and have recently been; meeting new people to spend quality time with the familiar.

There were times this winter that I battled settling into this winter world. Or at least I settled in deeply and periodically lost the perspective of its temporariness. But I did. i fought the winter at times.

I appreciate drastic polarities...black and white, quiet and loud, dark and bright, gloom and cheer. Much of the time I prefer them to the grey, volume you have to strain to hear, dimly lit, emotionless, monotonous times. The polarities can be more easily understood, explained, expressed. It can be more easy to know how you are feeling, to behave, to communicate. Which requires more inner strength? The drastic extremes or the in between? i felt a little weaker this winter. Which I like to accept and be easy on myself, know that it passes, let myself be really in that. But this winter wore on. And I grew hard on myself. And the winter. Knowing it would pass, I was still demanding for more, for different.

But spring is here. Is it the grey between the black of winter and summer white? Do I prefer the middle ground? well, seasons are not this simple, and the polar extremes are just a construct, often inaccurate...but spring is here, and so is change.

not just something different...

2008-02-24T01:03:00.000-08:00

something more.
I'm okay with that.
I am.
And it even makes me smile.
Here
I come, hear?
as I go

She talks to herself. Her self.

2008-02-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

"Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword." ~Virginia Woolf

I'm reading Eat Pray Love right now. Rather slowly, for some reason, but reading it. I find myself reading books over longer periods of time than I used to. I choose them carefully and let them seep in. I know one can feel saturated by a subject when they dive into it intensely, allowing it to consume a good deal of their time. i do that at times. But recently ive been slow and steady, one refection at a time, one chapter or so at a time, sitting on it, relating...and this is not necessarily such a thought provoking or rather, thought demanding book, I should say. But I'm marking pages.

Gilbert quoting Woolf was one of them...She explains that on one side of the sword "lies convention and tradition and order, where 'all is correct'. But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, 'all is confusion. Nothing follows a regular course.'" I think this too goes for men, with some differences of course, taking the influence of history into account, but we will leave gender out of this, Woolf...

I accept a life on the other side of the sword. At times I convince myself that I could be content on the side where 'all is correct' but I eventually feel out of sync with myself and malnourished. I would only despise all that held me in those conventions. The side of the sword where 'all is confusion' is, well, confusing. Much is uncertain, meaning in life is less clear, timelines are less defined, people don't quite know what role to place you in. I often attend dinner parties with 50 year old couples and we all really enjoy each other’s company. It can be odd at holidays to be around married cousins and have less in common with them than with my 14 year old 'nephew.' when others don't quite know how to define us, we can find it a challenge as well.

Gilbert writes: To create a family with a spouse is one of the most fundamental ways a person can find continuity and meaning in American (or any) society...first you are a teenager, then you are a young married person, then you are a parent, then you are retired, then you are a grandparent-at every stage you know who you are, you know what your duty is and you know where to sit at (a family) reunion...at last you are sitting with the ninety-year-olds in the shade watching over your progeny with satisfaction...the satisfaction of this knowledge is immediate, and moreover it's universally recognized. How many people have I heard claim their children as the greatest accomplishment and comfort of their lives? It's the thing they can always lean on during a metaphysical crisis, or a moment of doubt about their relevancy--If I have done nothing else in this life, then at least I have raised my children well. But what if, either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity?...Where do you sit at the reunion? How do you mark time's passage without the fear that you've just frittered away your time on earth without being relevant? You'll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you have been a successful human being...I'm lucky that at least I have my writing. This is something people can understand. Ah, she left her marriage in order to preserve her art.

I want to experience the world. Can that be my continuity: the incontinuity of seeing, feeling, trying it all? It's a confusing side of the sword, but challenge never scared me... :)

I want to experience having kids. Well, a singular kid, maybe, but yes, offspring. I don't think it is entirely selfish. I make choices now that effect my life later keeping the possibility of having a kid, whether as a single parent or as a partner, in mind. I think as I professor, I could raise a child on my own. I'm not sure if I will have this profession in the near future, but I'm definitely going to set myself up to be able to be one later.

Anyway, I really, really like seeing only to myself, besides for the rat, or course. I really, really like it. And I accept this lack of convention. Wholeheartedly.

noxious

2008-02-20T19:20:00.000-08:00

I bought my rat some food today and asked an employee of the pet store about some good stuff for him to chew on to keep his teeth healthy. Nobody wants a rat with unhealthy teeth and he doesn't take to chewing on the normal wood blocks or dense treats that look like bricks. I don't blame him. He doesn't like salt licks like other rodents. He probably gets enough salt from the food I give him, the woman, Tony, informed me. Then she asked me what I DO feed him. Oh, in addition to the compiled store stuff...lettuce, apples, crackers, cheese, you know rat stuff. CHEESE?! she was blown away. Crackers?!

Turns out that rats shouldn’t eat processed foods. They are bad for their health. Gives them cancer. Tumors. Go figure.

My folks are in Mexico in a house shared among friends. One room is left empty reserved for another couple that had to stay home. His current Chemo treatments just steal all his energy, make it difficult to travel.

I had to inform the Athletic Director of the High School that I just cannot make an emergency meeting for all coaches this Monday night. My friend's son has leukemia and is having a fundraiser for his medical expenses that evening.

I sit down now to a processed tortilla spread with philadelphia cream cheese, canned refried beans, and some non-organic salsa. Think I'll have a glass of breast cancer-causing wine afterwards.

and toast to a parasitic world.

Who's Special? weekly reflection

2008-02-19T19:37:00.000-08:00

What makes you feel special?
When someone calls me because they genuinely just want you to know something about them or their day...more so than when someone calls to see how you are: that always seems to have a self-serving twist...like they will feel good and gain something by checking in on a friend and maintaining the relationship. The specialness causing act seems less rationalized, without justification, based on pure desire to share themselves and they choose you to share it with.

Lattés in cafes with no agenda but only a paper to read

being good at something and knowing it sets me apart as an individual yet I have the capabilities to share it with a group and better a situation.

Well-made dinners on Friday nights with content company and good wine.

When I am kind to strangers

Going to the movies with a blanket

If I am special then________________...
I have a gift to share with the world. I have talents and qualities unique to me that are useful in the larger world.

I deserve to be loved.

When do you feel less than?

When I have to do something I don't want to do, have little say over, or receive little reward for. That's about it. I feel special most of the time and realize that my degree of this sentiment is very minimally affected by other people and their actions...don't get me wrong, those actions create other sentiments, sometimes great and welcomed, sometimes negative and more frequently than I would desire.

If someone is considered more special than me, what does this say about who I am?

If I desired truly the same desires as that person and thus what they have that sets them apart as special, I could work hard or focus my energy and become special in that way, time, or place as well. But one cannot be special in relativity to all things simultaneously. But I choose to be special in certain ways.

Myopia--weekly reflection

2008-02-13T16:34:00.000-08:00

What choices are facing you this week? rather odd, I think to have choices face you, rather than facing toward choices...being the object, rather than the subject...

Always, how I use my time: will I accomplish a task, or let it sit on a list of obligations that weigh heavily at times and at others, seem trivial. And what if there are no really pressing tasks to accomplish? how will I use this time? Will I put off something that does not urgently stare me in the face? How will I keep the perspective of time and change?

What will I give to the people around me: my full potential of kindness, attention, my best self? When faced with the opportunity to easily give less, will I loose energy and cheat myself and others?

What will I give to potential longer-term relationships? We are constantly faced with the opportunity let some go or to build upon what already exists. We are constantly faced with the choice to explore giving and receiving from newer acquaintances or to put up a wall and let it go undeveloped.

How will you face them? Centered and balanced or out of fear and anxiousness?
I tend to turn off, let thoughts go incomplete, undeveloped when it comes to a decision that has an outcome that I have less control over. I feel centered because I make up my mind and then don't question, but rather turn stone-like, unwavering. But this is most likely rooted in fear and the need for concrete determination.

Will you give yourself time to reflect and sink into your should and allow the answers to rise?

I often fight myself, like I should desire something different than I sometimes do or should create a different outcome than what I normally get, not accepting what is easy or most natural, but in a constant drive to achieve what is seemingly more challenging or just different. So sometimes I fight the thoughts I get, try not to be too analytical when I know I can alter a path with a decision. I can try to accept my natural states and tendencies and listen to what I am and desire without judgment or desire for change.
Change is not synonymous with improvement or advancement.

love play, play love

2008-02-11T23:00:00.000-08:00

I made a love playlist on my computer this evening...
the desire inspired by?
February 14th up and coming? perhaps, but it has not been on my mind...well, I can't say that: I did buy my mom flowers on Saturday, since I wont be seeing her that day.
Spending the last 24 hours with my much-loved Rose and Chad visiting from Napa? Maybe...but I particurly included songs that envoke future-oriented, intimate feelings rather than those for contentment and gratitude.
Feeling the love and passion for life after a fun day of skiing with friends? most likely...it was a good day, full of shared energy, shared thoughts, shared enjoyment, experience...
I fell in love a little today :)
and it inspired me with 12.5 hours of songs to maintain the emotion.
and wore me out.
sweet
dreams
dream
sweetly

Where has all the poker gone?

2008-02-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

True wealth can not be found in your bank account.
It can only be found in those you call friend.
Those with whom you share your deepest feelings.
And those who accept you for who you really are. - Mary Vandergrift

How many people do I call friend yet with whom don't share my deepest feelings, who don't accept me for who I really am, but that I treat more like a value to be deposited in a bank account?

It often surprises me, who my friends are, after taking a deliberate look every once in a while...

They can be found at home, in the person with whom you rarely sit rather than the person with whom you frequently play. Within the group of friends: the person who grounds you, calms your energy, chooses their own words carefully and brings forth your profound thoughts, rather than the person who charges your air, who beckonds your company, who is there at the drop of a hat. Within a person who might outwardly seem like with whom you would have much less in common than with a person closer in age, your same sex, with a similar lifestyle, who shares your current lifestage.

And of course their are those friends who simultaniously appear to be the friend and who truly fit the definition. And there are those people who appear to fit the definition yet don't only because you don't let them enter that deap honesty of your being. And while there is much to be gained by letting many more into that space, I too believe there must be some benefit to keeping some people in your life as simple playmates. Who do we choose to be friends and why? Who do we let stay around that exterior bubble? Do we always have a choice in the matter, as an individual and as participants in a pair of people sharing an experience? Who's bubble are you within, yet they remain outside your own? Who have you welcomed in, yet might rest outside their exterior?

A night planned around a game of poker with some friends, some aquaintences with who we bounce happily off eachothers bubbles like atoms who frequently encounter eachother, touch, bounce, exchange energy, bouce again, turned into a nearly 4 hour conversation with two friends. Friends. I let them in, they let me in: both much diferently, of course...due to our joint histories, our energies, our life situations. But we let eachother in. And, for me, for whom its less familiar a thing to do, less natural than for many others...it is good practice, and a gift to myself, of course, and I, and we all, must believe, truly, a gift to the others as well.

Waking Life

2008-02-06T05:14:00.000-08:00

I would like to watch that movie again. How long has it been...?...since that time in my life...6 years, I would guess. That movie can mark a turning point to my thoughts, priorities, hobbies, values...not that the movie impacted me to this extent, but I was exploring, growing, aware of more, excited for my potential and went to the theater to watch Waking Life. I think I went with some friends from college, perhaps all piled into Aaron's old maroon car: Kathy, Mike, Sodes, Bell and I...Perhaps that was the time I rode my bike from parkland to downtown during one of those dreary, yet inspiring overcast afternoons, getting a flat and taking the bus, to the...what WAS it called, that old theater? With the great coffee shop next door...I loved those mornings, afternoons, nights. Whether alone, with the company of a thought provoking companion, with a rowdy friend from the Spar, or with a group that could take on any discussion. At 3 am. At the 24 hr coffee shop, run over with studiers from colleges combined.

That movie was just a title to my blog, but thank you for the memories...!

The Waking Life. Been awake since 2. Bed by 11, awake by 2. Thinking till 4, writing till 5:30. Time to get up! The character in waking life dreams so well that he does not know whether he is asleep or dreaming, his conversations and thoughts are so vibrant. I am certain I am awake. And I am waking my life. Nothing better to do at 5 am than make 1 week to 10 year goals! If only the day lent enough energy to begin tackling them after a night with wide-open eyes.

Perhaps I will post them, though, thanks to an admirable move by Merv. Expose it all:)

paradise found...for 2/4/08

2008-02-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

I had...THE best freeking day.
I entered heaven once every 15 minutes: falling, with complete trust, falling like flying, through clouds, so soft, yet unpredictable. A challenge. Is heaven challenging? My heaven definitely is. Heaven, in my terms, might be synonymous with challenge. Oh, it was beautiful. And needed.
Powder day at Squaw Valley. A whole day with my pops. As an equal. Creating pride and connection between us both. And it was fun! Exploration, challenge, adventure, conversation, seeking, completing, cheese burgers!, beers, pushing, pushing, naturally, connection, pride, comfort, exhaustion, satisfaction, irish coffees, friends, irish coffees, friends! showers and bed. Exhaustions. Satisfaction. Connection.
Definition.

Thank you, Billy?

2008-02-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
she’ll only reveal what she want’s you to see
She hides like a child but she’s always a woman to me.

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you
And she’ll take what you give her as long as its free
Yeah she steals like a thief but she’s always a woman to me.

Oh, she takes care of herself she can wait if she wants she’s ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out, but she never gives in she just changes her mind

And she’ll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding
But she’ll bring out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself cause she’s always a woman to me
Mmmmm, hmmmm, mmmm….

Oh, she takes care of herself she can wait if she wants she’s ahead of her time
Oh and she never gives out, and she never gives in she just changes her mind

She’s frequently kind and she suddenly cruel
She can do what she pleases, she’s nobodies fool
And she can’t be convicted, she’s earned her degree
And the most she will do will throw shadows at you but she’s always a woman to me

Mmmmm…hmmmmm…mmmmm

She

2008-02-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

I am a puzzle
composed of parts of my father and my mother, naturally.
Their pieces fit perfectly snug together, hence they built a steadfast marriage.
but the picture they create is anything but predictable and sometimes strikes you as ugly, but quite a product that I think would baffle any takers to the challenge of piecing it together.
I think it would be most similar to one of those 3dimentional, castle-like puzzles: definitely not one you can frame and hang on your wall, all complete and containable.

I am my mother’s eye for detail and my father’s creativity. I am my father’s adventure and my mother’s need for structure. I am his risk-taking, embrace the unknown and her mellow, love for comfort. I am her let loose, be loved, laugh, ignore judgment…his perceive, his control, his create, his show, his tall wall. I am his active and her laze. I am her saneness and his craze. Her craze and his sane. His think her feel, his think…his think.

I am swirling, a bit lost, pulled, never pushed, lead, followed, following…

I feel like making popcorn, a fire, and playing the Life with Rose…while watching the Wizard of Oz, in the hottub, drinking lemonade, and playing Barbies.

I am my parents’ daughter.

Imagine

2008-01-31T16:40:00.000-08:00

Imagine snow falling to
Two step. Can you see it?
Too
Flakes fall syncopated. Do you hear?
The wafts of stolen India exploring my home.
Seeping into souls
Never alone. Can’t you smell it?
Just like being there
Being here now
Imagine

Ready

2008-01-29T16:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was bad. And I thought it would get worse. But I feel a bit better. Lonely winter shakes my soul and I sob to the very core of my bones. But today is better. And I always know how to make it so and I always know it will be. But it doesn’t make the times of pain any more trivial. And it does not mean I cannot own the sorrow. True sorrow. But I had the energy to make it better. And I do not fear the next wave. I know it will come, and probably pretty soon. But surprisingly today, I glow from the inside out. I smile with love for myself and what is good and what surrounds me. January is usually pretty great and February normally my least favorite month. This past month was not the best and I predicted February to be pretty challenging. I throw hope to the wind that I had it backwards rather than be part of an underestimation. But I will endure either way. And be grateful none-the-less. To the adventure and journey that is life…!

If my senses fail, stay with me till they go...

2008-01-21T21:53:00.001-08:00

I'm pretty tired. I knew in the midst of the past slower-paced month that this craziness would come and I would run like a rat on a wheel, enjoying it of course, but sleeping less, having less opportunity to read, less time to complete lists of tasks that need to get done: taxes, voting, fixing tires, sending thank yous, writing grandmas, visiting nieces,...and the time is here. And my body always gives me signs!

In a rush today, I jammed my finger skiing. I cannot bend my right ring finger without a shooting pain up my arm and a dull stomach ache. This in combination with a burned left hand makes showering quite difficult. Yet nothing felt better after a day on the hill. So cold today! We're in for another 10 days of snow, it appears. But I leave tomorrow for a conference in Sacramento. A week of rain for me. Looking forward to it, though. Networking with people doing what I do all over the state, meeting with legislators, getting some creative inspiration, conference food...oh, the little things :)

Anyway, I am tired, and busy, and it feels good.

Now that you finally felt, just like you said you would, down to the last detail...

on fire

2008-01-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

I burnt my left hand to the second degree at 6 am yesterday morning making oatmeal while half asleep (half awake? does this make me a pessimist? :) I forced a ski glove on my hand and sweat in there all day. Today I discovered the relief of Viks Vaporub. Whether this is good for a burn or not, oh, how good it feels...
Sir Moses Munchkin, the royal rat despises the odor. I can only imagine how intense it feels to his nose, his sense of smell being at LEAST 100xs more acute than mine, I'm sure, and I'm quite taken aback by it. Sorry Munch. Sorry hand. I will try my hardest to not pour boiling water on you tomorrow morning. I don't think you will let it slip my mind.

Inspirational friends

2008-01-20T20:01:00.000-08:00

I receive a weekly email from a man in who operates a spiritual center in Grass Valley. each week he sends a topic to ponder for the week, some questions to reflect upon, some history of human understanding and evolution of the subject. This week was INSPIRATION.

I was reminded of that as I went to type the title of this blog. I was inspired to write after finally looking at my friend Minerva's blog. I am now have this new avenue to keep myself updated on her feelings, thoughts, fears, events, visitors, new family...and to let her know how much I think about her and love her. I am so grateful to have her blog in my life.

The rationality that would follow is that I can blogg and offer this option to others in my life. Nope, i'm much too selfish. Her blogg appears to be such a wonderful way for her to reflect, express, get perspective...and I will take any opportunity I can get! Eventually I will consolidate it into one (okay, or two) concentrated places where I express through written word...I think this laptop with Internet at my fingertips might influence that. Easy as pie!

So back to the weekly reflection of inspiration:

WHO IS INSPIRED BY ME? my skiers, the youth in my mentoring groups (more so the high school students than the middle school proteges), Travis I believe, my Grandmothers, Julie, my mom at times.

WHAT QUALITIES MAKE ONE INSPIRING? vivacious, courageous, adventurous, committed, caring, risk-taking, creative

WHO HAS BEEN MOST INSPIRING TO ME? Grandpa Miller, my pops, Travis, Rose, Minerva, Meradith, Aaron, Kera, Ocean, Ryan

WHAT SITUATIONS HAVE INSPIRED MY LIFE? In general: taking risks and independently approaching new situations, places, and tasks, making decisions, being talented and capable at hobbies...more specifically: skiing, hiking, piano, going to college (and importantly, @ PLU), studying philosophy, psychology, and peace, outdoor recreation, traveling and working in Alaska, traveling in Spain, Panama, France, Mexico, Working in france, working with coalitions in Grass Valley, applying for graduate school

WHAT FEELINGS ARISE IN MY BODY WHEN I AM FULL OF INSPIRATION? hope, light and airiness, special, potential, love, care, importance

What better gift than that of inspiration...it is a feeling of renewal and potential, that you are surrounded by a loving, accepting world that desires all your love, power, and capabilities...a world that can be impacted by your thoughts and actions and will be all the better for it.

Give the gift of inspiration!

easy as pie

2008-01-19T23:08:00.000-08:00

I thought I would start blogging. I get home at night and have this mixture of cravings at times...to reflect upon the day, to grow towards tomorrow, to hop into the technological opportunities my new laptop has to offer. What better combination than on online blog? For now, we will see how it satisfies...hmmmmm....well at the moment.
I settle in.
I'm not certain I want anyone to read it. So I write it without that being a factor.
Numbing our senses...I will start there. Why not?

I heard that line the other day, a line that I spend much time pondering...
A psychologist was speaking on the subject that we humans spend so much time drowning, numbing, tuning much out, controlling often without conscious choice what we let in. Music, alcohol, television, books…how much time is spent in complete solitude and silence with clear focus on our thoughts, cravings, emotions, senses of smell, touch, taste… Often it is relaxing to drown it out. One has spent the day so focused, assuring that one makes the most of each moment, contemplates important decisions, so over stimulated...and when it comes time to retire for the day, reflection and growth might be the last thing one needs. But does one feel more relaxed with more stimulation and involvement? By reading a book, by turning on a tv show or a loved cd? It can be beneficial to let the mind be completely at rest. And certain people discover their mind in a state of rest during varying activities...television is not an activity of relaxation for me. No sir. Reading at times, but of course that depends upon the subject at hand.
When you spend energy numbing your senses, disquieting your surroundings and mind, you are spending time and energy to be unproductive, whether that productivity leads to achieving a goal, accomplishing a small task at hand, or becoming more in tune and thus more in the skin of the person one desires to be.

This is all really stemming from the end of a holiday season…I was writing a friend about my birthday experiences. I turned 25 recently and had mixed emotions about it. Though I was little in tune with the emotions that made me feel sad. I would cry and not really understand why. I could definitely rationalize the sad emotion away, explain to myself why I felt that way thus creating the opportunity to not feel the sad emotion. But I wasn’t sure that was the reason. And I wasn’t sure I didn’t want to feel or just be in the emotion. It was the end of the holidays…months had just passed, spent surrounded by family and friends, gatherings filled with love, cheer, food, drinks, activity…months had passed full of activity that encourages people to just be as present in the moment as possible, grateful for those around you, without desire of anything more. I work on a school schedule, and due to the holiday, kids were on break and work was slow. I tried to find things to do, didn’t feel that needed or productive or that my work was as meaningful as I desire. We were experiencing a huge storm, and my ski team was not able to go to the snow.

My birthday occurred before this really short-term era ended, and birthdays are a time for reflection: upon where they are in life, what they are spending their time doing, what they accomplished this year, if they got steps closer to where and who they want to be, where they want to be in the upcoming year or five. Having a birthday at the close of a holiday season can be treacherous. It can bring feelings of loneliness: gatherings of family and friends have dissipated. It can bring feelings of obligation; people have spent a month partying, eating, drinking, spending money and are now in a different state of mind when one desires to have a celebration for a birthday. Feelings of inadequacy: the last weeks have been spent in a fog of cheer and merriment, with less time spent on accomplishment of goals, work, tuning into desires…
I am sure there are others who had a birthday around this time and felt differently this year: they were more optimistic and felt grateful for all those with whom they had just spent much time; they felt excitement for the opportunity to start a new year being more productive, energized after some much-needed time off. I share in these feelings.

My birthday is over, though I will spend the day celebrating with my mom. We often do a mother-daughter day about a month after the day has passed (when both of us find time in a now-buisy schedule) and do all the things we always wish to do but never find time to do it.
I am grateful to be alive, thankful that I am who I am, appreciative for my position in life right now. I am very excited and a little anxious for what is to come next. I feel like I am creating it everyday, and there is little better feeling than that in my book. Happy 2008 and happy 25years.

and now I return to the title of this blog. I desired to fulfill cravings for reflection, self-expression, and use of new technology. How easy it is in this day and age to get exactly what one thinks they want. And just like that, I have blogged.

K...its better than nothing...

2005-07-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

So a new session of camp has begun. The kiddies arrived yesterday afternoon...along with 5 new counselors...4 of which are INCREEDIBLY HOT men. So I am pretty pumped :) We had 2 days off between sessions which happened to land on Frances independence day...and they sure can show our 4th of July up! We went to a nearby beach that was packed with thousands of people. It was a site to see! We drank and swam all day and did the same all night to fireworks ALL AROUND US! Yeah, almost got nailed a million times, those Frenchies are nutsoid. Danced my ass off at this bar on the ebach they tell me, then managed to find my way back to my beach blanket for a little snooze. So, yeah, I got to go skinny dipping with my boss and pass out on the beach. Good times. We have a pretty rocking crew now...lots of energy, actually REALLY cool people...you would be suprised. And we can really party! when we can...

I am tired, but pushed to the max with challenge, so Im thriving. Social challenge, time management challenge, creativity challenge... its pretty fun.
Plus how often will I get to live in a French Chateau? and celebrate every American holiday in a matter of two weeks?
Living it. Absorbed.

The power of the blog :)

2005-05-12T15:45:00.000-07:00

I got an anonymous package in the mail yesterday.
It was large. It was light.
I opened it to find an old tupperware container perfectly nestled inside protective popcorn pieces. After carefully removing the packing tape from the lid and gently pulling away the large bubble wrap, I found to my surprise...
2 batches of my grandma's scrumptious, cure-all, baked-with love, infamous peanut butter cookies: Enough to share with my roommates as we plug through these last few days that run, run, one into the other. We diligently and responsibly exchange the occasional "hello, how are you?" but the love of the cookies offer a touch of humanity to our somewhat delirious states. They may just aid the immune system as well, for as of today, I am feeling much better. After days of a constant presence of mucus, glands the size of golfballs, and skin that ached with every touch I'm feeling a little more like myself.
Thank you blogger fairy, and can you send a thank you to my grandma?

Meditations

2005-05-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

"...risk taking is probably the most defining act of an ethical life. Ethics require us to think deaply about our positions on issues, and to take principled stands as a result of those positions...By understanding that courage is not a reflex, but a consequence of knowing your own mind, determining right and wrong for yourself and acting on that understanding, you create the possibility of risk taking in the interest of the greater good. Your good and the greater good become almost synonymous..."

"...Only when we make a decision to live ethical lives, to aspire ethically, can we transform fear and our reaction to it into the reasoned resistance to the greed and exploitation that serve as a major barrier to a truly democratic society. Each ethical actions represents an ongoing commitment as we meet life's day-to-day challenges and opportunities, a readiness to assume risks in honor of self and all others."

-Derrick Bell, Ethical Ambition

Goodnight, moon

2005-05-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

I created myself the craziest of all crazy days. What a ride life can truly be, huh? yeah...
Welp, I have welts on my back, which, yes, were welcomed, I bought my first lotery ticket, which I am about to find out if has made me 7 million $ richer, though, when I was asked what I would do with it, I said I would give away, I think I'm about to throw up cambodian pork from eating meat for the first time in quite a while, I smell like a pac ave bar, I got offered the most genuine "goodnight" I've had for while...from a Pierce Transit bus driver, I almost got soaking wet from a stranger's water gun, and now I have ventured back into the Lute dome. And I am in desparate need of one of my grandmother's peanut butter cookies. Grandma? Where are you?

Waiting to exhale

2005-05-04T09:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I am sure I will be an A student this final semester. I've been joyously throwing myself into my school work, giving my 100% to every reading, reflection, project, and discussion.

All to take my mind off the fact that I am leaving this all behind in two weeks. I've been diving into this distraction.
It has been an amazing four years. My girlfriend from back home called me the other night and eventually she asked , hinting that she thought I had, if I had changed a lot since I have left home. How do you answer that? She mentioned how all the gals felt as if I had this secret life: that I'd been away for 4 years and nobody could ever know what took place. That's how this feels: like this incredible side trip composed of so many concentrated experiences and aquaintences: fragmented moments of blurred intensity. That I will walk away from in two weeks. I mean, sure, I will take the memories with me, and inevitably can't really leave them behind because they have shaped who I am...yada, yada...
But honestly, I woke up this morning to a song I used listen to while laying in bed with someone I had felt a strong connection with. This is a person I will most likely never see again in 20 days. And I let myself step back and get a perspective on my current situation. I paused to feel. And I sobbed. The emotion was overwhelming. I collapsed onto my bed and filled myself. I shook with grief and gratitude and I am drained. So I put on my favorite clothes for the day, packed up my things, ate some breakfast cereal, and am doing it all again today. Doing this day. Well, frankly, I teared up all the way to school, then broke down and called my mom at work for a comforting voice :)

Actualize

2005-04-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

The realization of one's potential can be dangerous. I realize I can do things perfectly. I can be an A student. I can be a specific individual's ideal mate. But it is these realizations that can make one stagnant. Because the human is not perfect. That is not what it is to be human. The perfection of humanity lies in its ability to act upon its imperfections. There is a quote that goes something like this: Every moment one is either retreating from or further becoming what one is. Rough, but I rest my case of imperfection. At times I write to an audience. At times I live to an audience. How much do these actions differ if an audience were not a factor? But how many factors of life can you factor out to get to the nitty gritty of your being? Yes, my ego gets in the way at times. To what degree fluctuates, but yes, at times my stubborn desire to present only the best of myself even to myself gets in the way. But these are my perceptions of what is best of myself. Yes indeed, when really, it is my value of presenting the vulnerable human qualities that we all share, that I consider so close to perfection. This dualism is perhaps not the best vocabulary to be utilizing while engaging in this discussion, but it was the basis of one I had earlier today, so I am still considering these concepts.

Well, for one week, though in the comfort of blank pieces of paper, with which I feel no attachment, that hold me to no standard, I will write again. I will write completely naked. No sensor. No audience. No judgment. Just expose. Again.

3-26-2005

2005-04-11T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm ready
big
building
preparing
wash over me
wind whips
willows
clouds sweeping
sun
shade
sun
shade
rhythem
tears
she said I'm self-sufficient
self-sufficient she calls me.

Perched
pouncing
vast
stretches on and on forever
All before me
All around me
Swells within me

I sit on my friend's back patio.
Tracy Chapman plays behind me.
She plays.
I sip my coffee, blanketed by her grandmother's nitted gift.
And tears unbearable well within me
tears of awareness.
Of importance
Save my soul. Save myself.
She talks to her kitten.
"Tanner?" she asks her.
Her soul so naked. Stands.
So strong.
Strong in her vulnerability.

I journey. I used to call it drift.
I make my way.
No need to make way, friend.
So much to share.
I have so much
so share
with you.
To show you.
I have a gift for
you.
You'll want it.
There'll be no place to run.
Dynamic. Layers.
make your everyday life seem less mudane.
Fiction in the space between
You and Me.
None.
I accept
deapth
shallows
fears
show me

2:00 - 5:30

2005-04-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

Money can really seclude people. They forget the joys of the library and utilize the computer that sits upon their desktops. Too good for public transportation, they drive their cars the two miles to the store then watch TV on their treadmills at the gym, rather than loading groceries into a backpack and walking or taking public transportaion. They poke fun at the local karaoke competition whose weekly winner gets to go on to the final competition at the county fair. I could go on...

Another sleepless night found me grateful for the sneezing function. Leaving my window cracked and my heater on turned the air in my room unbearably dry. At 2 I awoke with scratchy eyes and an unhappy nose. Until I sneezed. Then my body took care of itself :)

Those three hours were unsurprisingly insightful...yet again. My path becomes more and more clear. I will fill you in. Promise.

2005-04-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

I had to wake myself up from a dream this morning. It was too painfully real.

I was visiting a familiar bend of the Bear River. It was a summer day and the sun had heated the waters to much more comfortable temperatures than usual. I was wearing headphones and the Moodyblues were causing an unbearable pressure to build in my chest. I was crawling up slowly through the shallow waters, pulling myself from round stone to round stone, each feeling disgustingly like home,fitting perfectly around the palm of my hand. I stood and noted the alternating dark,light, dark, light of my traveled road, caused by the trees' protection of its domain below: almost an agreement between these grandfathers and the youthful rays of which stones, drops, fish, girls they were bound to touch.
"Beauty I'd always missed, with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore."
The rocks and waters had seeped into my skin and welled within me, causing the pressure to rise into my throat. I turned from the shore to which I had so safely clung and with meditated step by meditated step, began moving my body towards the river's heart. My eyes were fixed upon the growth beckoning me from the other side, but my self was elsewhere. It was mourning, it was celebrating. Lost. Found. It was collapsing in pain. It had transcended with joy.
"cause I love you...Oh, how I love you!...ooo,oooo. Ohh, o, how I love you, o, oooh."
I loved these waters ,this river, that bend. But it was no longer mine and I was no longer theirs. I was forced into alienation by my memories of acceptance that haunted my youth.
My whole being ached with the worst kind of homesickness: that of childhood.

Gratitude

2005-04-04T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have been very thankful for my shell necklace lately. People from many backgrounds have used it as an excuse to start up a conversation.
It closes a gap, creates a bridge for humanity.
A little shell.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2005-03-31T13:44:00.000-08:00

I NEED to buy a plane ticket!
Do it!

Pathways to Peace

2005-03-14T20:47:00.000-08:00

When concern for the suffering of others is met with views of “what is she lacking personally that would make her fulfillment be contingent upon focusing on other’s discomforts?” and “you don’t know what we/they are experiencing, what gives you/me the right to intrude?” why do some take the struggle of actively addressing injustice and violence upon themselves? When one has “little to gain” and everything to loose, what compels a wealthy person to steel from the rich and give to the poor?

Priming the mind

2005-03-13T19:32:00.000-08:00

I've been dreaming in politics lately.
I haven't written because I am so saturated in my thoughts. I own them.
They are not yet skin this snake will shed.

Rip Roaring

2005-03-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

I feel super good today. Just focused, yet relaxed. Balanced, efficient, chill...
Jane's house is having a Speak Easy party tonight. We're going prohibition style.

Bell Hooks

2005-03-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

After hearing this articulate activist speek last night in the georgeous facilities of the Seattle Town hall I am left with some thoughts on masculinity. Bell was questioned why her work had recently devoted so much attention to men.

ALL women hunger for male love. Do they hunger for love from men or are there certain qualities of "masculine" love that love from females does not embrace?

Either way, there are few better gifts than freeing someone of their fears and restrictions. I would like to address the masculinity within the males of my life *******

I just, JUST, received a text message from my brother:
"You are pretty and fun and talented and special and i love and miss you"

*****and free them of the restraints they may feel. Selfish on not, free them to love me with every aspect of their being, without limit. And in this, they could holistically love every feature of themselves.

Approaching relationships in this way, whether one enters for this reason or not, they become a means for self-actualization. And love becomes the sincere desire for one's partner's actualization.

Hecho in Pakistan

2005-03-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

Kindred

2005-03-02T21:45:00.000-08:00

I had an unexpected, quite random perception of mutual love today. It stopped me dead in my tracks and left me overwhelmed with understanding and emotion. It left me feeling vulnerable in the most extreme degree yet invoked in me the concept of trust I rarely attend to. It made my eyes well up with tears and I could not keep a smile from my face: actions born in joy coinciding with sadness. I am so grateful. I do not fear its diminishment.

Reason

2005-03-01T11:51:00.000-08:00

If one does not feel like they can hold the law against someone as a juror, they are considered in contempt of the court.

Rough in the language, but there's an ahha for you.
Reason enough for me to take some action.

Deliberation

2005-02-27T16:41:00.000-08:00

I listen to my mind more than I think.

Deliberation.

I
listen to my mind
more than I
think.

Deliberation.

I listen
to my mind more
than
I think.

Deliberation.

I listen to my
mind more
than I think.

Deliberation.

Shalom

2005-02-26T15:41:00.000-08:00

transformation, providing, turning love into action,
forgiveness, seeing, asking, harmony, humility,
serve, lead, consensus, resistance,
rejoicing, listen, encourage, defend, honor,
unity, interdependence, cultural competency,
mercy for self and others, love...

a process, an approach, action, strength, prevention not reaction, creative...

investment, care,
quiet, discussion

presence.

I went to a Peace making symposium led by the Lutheran Peace Foundation this morning. It was well worth waking up for.
Peace may be my rock...sitting on this one a while...approaching this multidimensional concept from every angle I CAN.

At one point during the workshop, we were asked to stand by another individual in any way we felt comfortable and imagine the violence that person had experienced and would experience throughout their life.

For two minutes I stood facing Verlon. My eyes gazed into this six and a half foot tall, three hundred pound black man's crooked eyes. Mine filled with tears.
The next two minutes were as equally intense. I visualized his journey of self-development. I recognized his similar desires for personal growth and discovery and process of betterment.

We were living peace in the midst of chaos.

Glory to past presidents

2005-02-24T12:12:00.000-08:00

webmail.plu.edu/MBX/millerab/ATT:IMAP:8613/1/IMG_1674.JPG

Hell on Earth

2005-02-23T17:48:00.000-08:00

Another sleepless night found me thinking about evolution and its role in society.
I was made conscious of how truly uncomfortable I was laying in my bed. My jaw kinda hangs in a funny position, creating a tension, which I believe I tend to relieve by clenching my teeth, which often wakes me up with unnerving tooth aches.

I began to think about the way sleeping positions and bedding are designed and how our bodies are possibly adapting to them, and how they constantly adapt to our bodies. A thought crossed my mind that people should be designing better beds…I mean, I can’t be the only individual with this problem! Well, then I remembered that I do not in fact sleep in a bed, that I had been laying on the floor for many hours of the past year, attempting to find a comfortable solution and stop grinding my teeth. And I laughed at myself.

But humankind has not been sleeping on beds for any significant amount of our existence.
In my delirium, I became angry at manufacturers for making my more natural sleeping preference an uncomfortable alternative. I continued to criticize our population and the adaptations we are encroaching upon ourselves and those that are imposed upon me. I worked myself into a invigorating interior monologue and kept myself awake for another couple hours.

Nonetheless, I believed I aced my Neuropsychology test today. Ironic? I think not.

Yup

2005-02-23T17:00:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting in the library seeking jobs on the internet for the past 2 hours...again.

Wide open

2005-02-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

Is vulnerability a defense mechanism? Afraid that something you hold onto so strongly will be torn away from your grasp...

I am talking with my friend Michael. About many things...judgments (very helpful, resist placing value on them, however), vulnerability, friendships, differences…

He wants to know why I engage with him (we have very sporadic encounters where we dive far below the surface) despite our very different values.
I tell him that the way he thinks about what he thinks about has the potential to attract me more than what he does think about...he knows that people are supposed to encounter one another for high purposes.

People's lives are driven by the meaning they value. Mike's is Christianity. He recognizes that this has led him to avoid situations and people that could pull him from that. My life is driven by the desire to be pulled away from all I assume. This has not changed much during the past 6 or so years. I am driven toward new situations that will expand my experiences in order to connect with a person I might meet in the future based on a familiarity...

Process

2005-02-17T17:32:00.000-08:00

It's easy to remain
childlike and excited in new situations...
unchallenging to run
from the familiar that risks feeling mundane.
More difficult is it to maintain a sense of livelihood
during everyday
life that can often become a routine.

2005-02-12T15:29:00.000-08:00

"Act well your parts, for there all the honor lies.
There are no small parts, just small actors."

Words of the wise

2005-02-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

My friend next to me wants to start a revolution. It's not based on anything new, he informs me, but just concepts the government claims to uphold but does not in acuality. I read a one page blurb he carfully writes about Unity, freedom, equality, God, etc. He wants to start a group on campus that goes about changing things differently than the affiliations one typically finds at PLU. I ask him if he thinks a collaboration of the groups would be beneficial and he replies, "yeah, that's what I'm talking about!"

He is a freshman. Optimistic. Has beautiful ideals.
I tell him this makes me sad. He questions me, thinking I would have agreed with him. I assure him that I do agree with the need for the government to ensure these basic ideas, but the idea that they are so basic and are not upheald and the potential effects upon him I can forsee make my heart cry out and I can do nothing but give him a hug.

He tells me he has quit smoking pot and has all this energy with which to do positive things. I tell him that I can see myself leaving here in three months feeling sad that I don't know him well enough. He tells me he's had the same thought. We have eachother's phone numbers. Occasionally we use them with failed attempts to get together.

Today lent begins. Though I have never partook in the past, after a conversation last week about the tradition, I decided I would have my own lent. Every month I will try to refrain from one habit and adopt a new one.

Beth Kraig views habits as commitments. I like this idea.
Though this is not my monthly commitment, I am going to get together with Grahm before the month is over. Yup.

I remember some wise words I was told at a conference not too long ago:
That healthy adult figures will encourage even the most idealistic goals...they will always lift you up and view your ideas in a positive constructive light, never discouraging your ideals or goals.
Halfway through my conversation with Grahm I remembered these wise words.
I am thankful.

my body

2005-02-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

the home of my brain, my mind, my potential, is a well-oiled machine.
Fuel it:
nutrients, excersize, challenges, cognitive stimuli, carefree fun,
sexual intimacy, social connection, solitude...

Loosing sleep

2005-02-04T13:13:00.000-08:00

It is not a rare occasion that I awake after 3-4 hours of sleep feeling as if I am in the midst of a stimulating conversation: no fog obstructs my thoughts and they flow like it is 11 in the morning and I have been out of bed for 4 hours. last night, the neurons from my lateral home of language carried with immense action potential electricity across synapses, down my arm, through myelin sheaths, into my finger tips, which scribbled a pen across my journal:
Over stimulation. Boxed, divided.
Separate & a lot.
That's what the world give you.
God, I could sit and do one thing for hours on end and loose myself there.
Absorbed.
The world, I tell myself, I can't.
That I don't want to. It's no good.
Why is that? Who wins?
I forgot I used to let myself do this, have a blast organizing a drawer in my 11-year-old self's bedroom. for a whole afternoon.
The world is distracting.
"You should be wanting more"...what's next? ooooh, what's better?
Nothing, damn it!
Nothing is better than me being here without realizing it and truly being here. Time erased.
Over stimulation.
What a curse.
Let it be...

The way it is...PT III?

2005-02-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

Another response to Bell’s post…as, apparently, I am not able to post a comment…

I too am torn between a global “virtual” community and more local tangible one. I think both are great and possible, one more valuable for some than others, but being an extremist (if you’re going to do something, do it and do it well…often leading to missed experiences, but intense few, and lately I’m not sure which one I value more anymore) I believe, one can pick one, and if committed, will be just as pleased with one experience or the other. Trust. It’s all about BELIEVING you made the right decision…none of this “grass-is-always-greener” shit.

Expression

2005-02-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

I've come to cherish my daily walks to and from school. They act as a buffer zone between a couple states of being. I have 10 minutes to ground and prepare myself for the activities of which I am about to partake. Do your best. Whatever you are going, take your whole heart with you, right? Gosh, that makes so much sense. Why has that been so challenging lately? Over-stimulation. Options, options, options. Potential.

Well, this particular morning, I found myself strutting along to Spearhead and, too, recently preoccupied with modes of expression, momentarily decided that Being is the best mode of self expression. Well, right, you say, of course. Artists often say that life is their artwork, that their artwork is their life. I think we often forget this. That our daily actions, DECISIONS, are our clearest self-expression. I don’t want to forget this. But what is being? I mean, what an ambiguous statement…But I would like to remind myself as often as needed (the point being that after some time or repetition, the need will diminish completely) that what I am doing is who I am. And what a silly thought: that I have to remind myself that! Well, I am not ashamed to say it…I forget sometimes that my being in the world is expressing who I am and my values…I do! But what better way to express yourself (ESPECIALLY simply for yourself) than acting how you want to? And don’t forget that that is what you are doing when you are living…expressing yourself. The way you treat people, the thoughts you have most frequently, the way you react to a situation, the song you sing in the shower in the morning, the bath you take the night before, the mid-day tea you drink, the letter you wrote for your sibling, the movie you chose to rent last week. Self-expression IS being alive and being alive is self-expression.
More to ponder:
The more deliberate, realized, intended an action/thought the more or less is it part of your personality…?

humor me...

2005-02-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Ashley Christine Miller, but my friends call me bovine.
>2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? dark brown, just above the ankles. Yup, I look like a hobo
>3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Spearhead
>4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? almonds
>6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? orange
>7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? probably the nicest
>3rd of Feb i've ever witnessed
8. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? hmmm...I got a text message from my friend Jason this morning, well, he wrote it last night. after we went to see Never Land, after we had a drink at Magoo's (jack and coke, kriss) after I made him dinner.
>9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? It's debateable.
>10. HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY? 22
>11. FAVORITE DRINK? Toughy...depends. I like red wine, vodka tonics, coffee drinks, Indian Pale Ales...
>12. FAVORITE SPORT? skiing. Though I like playing volleyball a lot. On the beach, cause it means it's summer. I like to golf a lot too. Oh, plus I LOVE the Kings.
>13. COLOR OF HAIR? brown
>14. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? nope
>15. SIBLINGS? one heck of a brother
>16. FAVORITE MONTH? it's always been january, but it may be shifting to november.
>17. FAVORITE FOOD? Almost as difficult! Mexican, I agree, followed by indian. mmmmm.....
>18. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Finding Neverland. And the piano before that. And before that, dodge ball, and I am going to watch clockwork orange tonight. I like movies...
>19. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Kristin's birthday. Sike! um, thanksgiving. Or Xmas eve. Or Summer solstice. Dang, I like to be alive.
>20. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT YOUR ANGER? I'd like to say I drink or work out to vent my anger, like Kriss, but I just do those as a daily part of life. I think I take it out on my loved ones. But I don't get angery very often. I get annoyed though.
>21. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A. CHILD? my rats...I must agree. My cabbage patch tricycle, microscope, parfume making kit, legos, barbies, for sure, but probably my piano would have to be thrown in there...
>22. SUMMER OR WINTER? used to be winter. Might be summer now, though I'm not convinced.
>23. HUGS OR KISSES? combo.
>24. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? hmmm...sents? vanilla. taste? chocolate.
>25. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE/E-MAIL BACK? hell's no! Never want to hear from them again!
26. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? um...Kristin.
27. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? um...Kristin.
28. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? A house with my first year roommate...yup, still going strong. And our friend, Tove. It's a kick ass house. We are throwing an all gals sex party on Friday and I'm looking up valentine's recipes for it. It's like a tupperware party...with sex toys. mmmmhmmmmm.
>29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? i would say maybe, oh, yesterday...i
>watched how stella got her groove back (insert Neverland)...im a sucker for those movies
30. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? Nothing. I sleep on the floor.
31. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? see above.
32. FAVORITE SMELLS? Vanilla. Tequilla after a doosy of a night. yeah, I'm hard core like that.
34. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Going crazy. But on a more tangible plane, nope, going crazy. And not living life to the fullest. Such a dumb fear to have, but the fear honestly plagues me. Not reaching my full potential.
35. PLAIN, BUTTERED, or SALTED POPCORN? cheesed? and hot sauced? with brewers yeast? a lil garlic salt, perhaps? Some Spike? Yeah, I eat popcorn on a regular basis.
36: FAVORITE CAR: Toyota Celica. '78 I believe. Orange. and all Charlie's Angled out.
>37: FAVORITE FLOWER: can't tell...
>38: NUMBER OF KEYS ON KEY RING: don't have one.
>39. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Friday.
>40. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? My birthday was stretched out for a whole 4 days. Went xcountry skiing, ate a lot, drank more, went to museums...
41. HOW MANY STATES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 2 states.
42. HOW MANY CITIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 1 city. 1 podunk town.
>43. HOW MANY CARS HAVE YOU HAD & WHAT WAS THE FIRST? 2. Tom Cruiser. Good ol Toyota MR2. And by brother's old car. it's hanging in there.
>44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In my living room in Grass Valley, CA. Woodberry Drive.
>45. DOGS OR CATS & DO YOU HAVE ANY? Dogs and cats. And I want both.

effective? check...

2005-01-31T13:51:00.000-08:00

Vulnerability. Worth the thought investment. So I do. Then i come across this...

A passage from A Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius:

These things, details, stories, whatever, are like the skin shed by snakes, who leave theirs for anyone to see. What does he care where it is, who sees it, this snake, and his skin? He leaves it where he molts. Hours, days or months later, we come across a snake's long-shed skin and we know something of the snake, we know that it's of this approximate girth and that approximate length, but we know very little else. Do we know where the snake is now? What the snake is thinking now? No. By now the snake could be wearing fur; the snake could be selling pencils in Hanoi. The skin is no longer his, he wore it because it frew from him, but then it dried and slipped off and he and everyone could look at it.

Reconciliation...

2005-01-31T13:35:00.000-08:00

In attempt to rekindle my online flame...a pretty weak attempt, but one nonetheless. Its effectiveness will prevail.
An email just sent to Rose: (in response to an article from Democracy Now: Amy Goodman talking with Seymour Hersh, Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter, author of the book, Chain Of Command: The Road From 9-11 to Abu Ghraib.)

Well, hell, I made it to the end, alright. I genuinely thank you for putting a damper on my day. I forget sometimes, and just go about it. But I greatly appreciate it when I put my era into a contextual perspective.
On that note, I made dinner for a soldier the other night. He got abck in December from over a year in Iraq. Yup. narly. They come back different. and they are coming back by the thousands...and this is not going to have a huge, long term impact? And what a miniscule aspect of this chaos... Anyway, what's pretty scary now, is that they return from over there, contemplate what they could have done differently, and now they can expect to go back! No regrets, just actions! Because they ARE so protected by numbnuts. Not many consequences for crazy, and I'm talking CRAZY, actions. Just from what I've heard, we really don't know anything. Know nothing about what we're doing over there...just doing things.
So I talked to this lad for quite a while about his experiences. Pretty ethnocentric way of thinking operating over there, first of all. "they need help, get them out of the huts they live in, can't even read..." yada yada...So what! Shit, man... And this lad was just saying how weird it feels that he is an expert...that he goes around and makes orders, as like a civil engineer, a police man, a social consultant...and he doesn't know what he's doing! They spent a couple months building a prison for this town so that the town would tell them where the "bad guys" are located, he tells me, only for the next day to have the towns people blow it up! The people are scared! and lost. Shit, man.
So, this semester, I'm taking two global classes. One on peace and one on gender wars. Heavy. Think I'll either come out of it wanting to be forgotten about in Mexico for a while, or batteling it out in some international non-profit agency. Who knows...how can you predict? You can't.
Can't really plan, just prepare yourself for oportunities.
I love you, Ro, come see me.

Sapphische Ode

2004-11-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

So my voice instructor gave me a new assignment.
It's a song in German by Brahms. It was inspired by a poem controversial in its time because the author was a woman AND it was well-known, and partly because the poem was about the Libyan Amazon Queen Myrina who led an army of women that conqured many lands including the Greek Island called Lesbos.
Anyway, I accept the challenge of singing in German.

Newspapers and Tea

2004-11-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

So lately, I've been journaling more than posting. I've been arriving at intense thoughts and ideas at various times throughout the day and have not wanted to interrupt their progressions by finding a computer.
But I will recap one from today:
We're supposed love, aren't we?
Designed to, meant to...
And when we are not, not reaching or fulfilling our great potential.
Can we approach ourselves this way?
As a being we can set out to love? Entering a relationship with ourselves?
Every activity/separated moment approached this way?
We are then in multiple relationships if we enter another...
balance.

There is more to come on this...
But since, I've had quite a bit of fun going on mini dates with my self.
Treating my self pretty well... Hey, guess I can be a pretty good girlfriend...

November 14th 2004

2004-11-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

So, I had a date yesterday. We were going to go see Bridget Jone's Diary, cause we both have been in the mood, but it was sold out. SO we went to The Kickstand. My bought my date a 16 oz. cappuccino. I got a drip coffee. With creamer and one refill. A little cinnamon for the holiday time of year. We chatted, then chatted over homework: my date studying biochem, me planning the future of psychology and the philosophy of science in general. Though we bought tickets to see Saw while we were at the theater and we and arrived before the previews began, we still had to sit in the very front row. With no seats in front of us and the appearance of no others around, we both felt very exposed and vulnerable to the horror of the film. But we decided it best that we were as close as we were to the emergency exit anyway, just in case we had to make a break for it. We both screamed, often at differing parts, clutched at each other's arms, and even jumped to close the space between us. It was a pretty good flick. After a bathroom break due to the caffeine bliss before, we sat in my date's jeep, warming our hands on the heater and debriefing from the movie. We decided to take a left turn at the first light we came to, because neither of us had been down that road before. We came to a Taco Bell, and I offered to buy Tacos. After rummaging through small bills and change, we decided to go out on a limb and came away with the new beef and potatoe burrito and a new been burrito especial. Special it was. No 7 layer burrito, that's for sure. So we drove, never a dull moment, talking about things we like to do, books we like to read, movies the other should see, watching the list grow of things we need to do together, until we ran into a giant tea kettle, which happened to be Bob's Java Jive, which we were both really excited about because had never been there, had only heard of the place. Plus, it's a giant tea kettle! So, we went back to my house and enjoyed our burritos and poked a lot of fun at the Music Awards that my housemates were watching with our friend Richard. Then I proclaimed that I was tired, my date did too, so stood up and left. The goodbye was a little ackward: thank yous exchanged and the possiblity of a goodnight hug or kiss. With the shut of the front door, Tove's bedroom one opened and she beckoned me into her bed so we could giggle as I told her all about my evening.
That was my date.
Hope there is another soon.

More to come...

2004-11-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

I heard the notes of Sigouros last evening.
And by night I had given a long awaited hug to Adam.
Felt called to pick up Surfing the Himalayas.
Enlightenment, Katmandu, and snow.
Meditation.
Thoughts dive into the moment.
Read or gift?
This may become a record of coincidences to track.
This morning's thought was about people's purposes in life...
Some are living with the thought of finding themselves with a perfect partner.
Some, a career that brings them a good amount of money.
Others, for frisbee.
Many, for a belief in a life for God and His afterworld.
Am I living mine for myself solely

Assent

2004-11-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

The neighbors have Christmas lights in the windows and along the fence. I smile, strolling by, walking in my world of headphones and houses.
I wrote my Grandpa today.
Stuck the letter in the box and pulled up the little red flag.
925 118th St. That's our box.
Bought someone a smile.
A dollar bill and 2 quarters in a cup.
Candy canes for soldiers.
Some.
Some.
Some.
Some.
Means not none.
Not none.
Sitting in the Spar the other night, I met a fan of psychology.
At one point while listening to him I could only hear words, then syllables, then sounds...
I knew what his mind knew from the sounds he was making.
Tove is making art on the livingroom floor.
She captured life on 4 rolls in a pizza parlor.
Red and white checkers. Lines. And lips.

Ivory

2004-11-08T06:57:00.000-08:00

timedly
beginning to drop
cautiously
they trickel
falling
comfortably
frantically
they pour
melodiously wrenching with rhythm
Can't run them away
flailing
exhaustedly returning
in sweetness, always.

How am I not myself?

2004-11-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

I have been looking forward to seeing I heart Huckabies since I saw its preview as a coming attraction for Garden State. I finally watched it today.
Follow your bliss...not what the content of the movie makes me think of, just the fact that I wanted to see it knowing that it would fall under the more clearly developing genre? I follow.
The Wild Hope conference was good. Made me think of following my bliss...how this IS my vocation in life. And THIS is my vocation. Right now. I am constantly preparing myself for what my bliss may lead me to next.
So the movie. Yes. As good as what I expected.
A point I raised at the conference was about how typical it is of every generation to feel that big change is looming in the air and theirs will be the generation to see/develop it. Recognizing this is not quite falling victim to it, yet is, in the recognition...but one of many wise and inquisitive souls i interacted with this Saturday offered a reply that yes, big change can/does/will happen for generations. Act.
Anyway, the movie...strikes a chord because a mainstream movie was made about the change in view I think is taking place within my generation. So it will continue.
Content of the movie? among much: the need for a synthesis of opposing philosophies to show that the two are only fractions of the truth and together can accomplish much more to evolve human understanding and approach to existence...I did a little justice, perhaps.
One philosophy was definitely favored by the producer. I lean this way too. It seems more holistic in itself. Going to check out the website now...

2004-11-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

and what is it with people wanting to work on the computer closest to you, while 5 of them are open 20 feet away?!?!

Frustration

2004-11-04T20:01:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned lately how much I despise the library? Ahhhhhh!
I mean, I love being here. I love how studious I can feel when I am efficient, a cup of coffee in hand, researching some past explorations of a new idea I have, or brushing up before an important test...
but I HATE how my peers think I am in here to be social.
"What am I doing?"
Working, I tell you, working! What does it look like?!
So let me...without the reliable interruption every 5 minutes.

Introspection

2004-11-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

Excerpts:
When Catell was completing his doctorate with Wundt at Leipzig he wrote a letter home to his parents, just over 120 years ago:

8 October 1884
"...But if we wish to describe the world--which is the end of science--surely an accurate knowledge of our mind is more important than anything else. ...[I]f one thinks that knowledge for its own sake is worth the pursuit, then surely a knowledge of mind is best of all. Not only is the mind of man of infinitely more worth and importance than anything else, but on its nature the whole world depends."

Titchener insisted that his observers had to be highly trained. In effect, they were to become introspecting machines.

I just got offered by my most stimulating professor thus far to help him with his personal research. I am beaming with pride. Pride? Will I accept his offer? I am going to take community psych with him over J-term.

Wild Hope

2004-11-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

Is it the education I have recieved from PLU that leads me to desire a life of thoughtful inquiry, service, leadership, and care for persons, communities, earth, and universe? Or did I seek out this educational opportunity?
In this time of vocational exploration occuring in my life, it only seems appropriate that a conference-like program Wild Hope is coming to campus this weekend.

Dr. Sharon Parks, author of Big Questions, Worthy Dreams: Mentoring Young Adults in their Search for Meaning, Purpose, and Faith has given much thought to the questions humans ask as they fully discover their freedom and opportunities. She recognizes that when we consider our place in and contributions to the world, we ask ourselves some questions. She writes:

When the formation of a Dream is inspired, it is formed in response to six questions
1) Does the Dream enliven me? Do I feel energy flowing in me when I think about it?
2) Does the Dream align with my values?
3) Do I need help from God, Spirit, the Holy One, to make this dream come true?
4) Will this Dream require me to grow into more of my true self? Is it big enough so I can become a new person somehow in persueing it? Is it worth the investment of a lifetime?
5) Will the dream ultimately bless others?
6) Is it concrete? Can I take a step into the living of that Dream that will make other steps possible?

We hopefully pursue the Dream of which we answer yes to these questions.
I have been giving much thought to the last question, what concrete path can I take to functionally encompase my Dream?
Do I seek the path that best concretely can encompass my Dream, or do I pick a more phisophical path to further develope my Dream?

It's now, it's right now

2004-11-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

I just turned in my application for graduation. Come May, I will be released into the wild. I hope it will feel that way...I don't want to feel constraint or confinement 7 months from now. 7 months. Actually that is still quite a ways away. A ways away. A great deal can happen in 7 months. Usually a great deal does. A great deal can happen in a moment. A great deal does.

I had a great chat with Dino Halloween night, after the usual movie bout on their couches, about his accident. His world changed in a split second. And in a state of shock, he still found a way to be humorous, while he teetered on the edge of life and death. A previous movie night entailed the movie The Butterfly Effect. This one definitely earned a spot in my respectable movies list. It was thought provoking: just another reminder that life is occurring now and every decision, every THOUGHT effects the next and therefore the rest of one's life.

I had a conversation the other day with an elderly man. He was exhibiting a table at a recent conference I attended. We talked about the stages of life and he informed me that though he loved his life at my age, he was so happy to be 80 years old and would not choose to be my age again. Life is tough at this age, he recalled. Though it is beneficial to have the world at your fingertips, it can be very overwhelming to face the endless opportunities possible to you everyday. We talked about how we don't get much practice making many choices before we are bombarded with them in our early 20s; or at least we do not discuss this situation as it approaches, so we are not aware that the smaller choices we are making before becoming an adult are good practice for the very important decisions one will make in the future. When we both had to go about our day, he let me CHOOSE any little treasure off of his table. I now have a t-shirt that reads Citizen of the World and features 100s of flags from many nations.

I was at a conference for International Educators. I felt like a little kid at a candy store for the two days I attended. Many opportunities to be employed in areas that cater to my interests: international relations, cultural education and understanding, a more interconnected globe, travel, advising, leading, variety, community...
I am making connections, they tell me. My name and face are known, which is the most beneficial strategy for career advancement in this field. That and passion as well as ambition. Those they assume I have, as I have gotten my name and face out there.

Unconscious?

2004-10-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

I had such a restless sleep last night. It made it initially much more difficult to take on the day today with the energy required to bring the meaning into the world around me that I want to see. But occasional gentle reminders from myself make it possible.
I tossed and turned in a half-conscious state for a majority of the early morning hours: a dance between levels of consciousness. Due to mental stress? Physical stress?(having to urinate? having an unfamiliar lump in my pillow?) environmental noise?
In deciding upon a cause for my inability to sleep soundly does it bring my unconscious experience to a conscious level, even if the noted cause is not accurate...hmmmm...

We had the first meeting for the Vagina monologues last night. I would like to think the things I get myself into are more than just activities merely to keep myself occupied. The more I commit myself to, the more I ask this question. But my array of interests and passions should not directly relate to their demeaning...(demeaning?)
Anyway, my audition went well. Better than I thought, because I was assigned a role considered one of the more challenging. I think the directors thought I could interpret it well. This recognition on my part makes my current position at PLU more apparent. I think of the senior women I knew when I was a freshman and how wise, powerful, confident they seemed.
And the next realization makes me smile. It's not that they were not...its just that I am too in that position and not used to recognizing it.

I feel...

2004-10-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

much better. I went to bed early after intently reading some from my book, which I am nearing the end, again, as this is the second time I have read it, and yet again, this saddens me. I mind woke before NPR could open my eyes. I ventured out early after a breakfast of fruit and yogurt to find my lungs pierced with the crisp fall air. It is definitely fall. Not a cloud in the blue sky against which the orange leaves contrast so greatly. I am grounded today, yet float about romantically. I am good to myself.

surface

2004-10-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

Been a while. Despite my appreciation for/faith in? Introspection.

I'm sick. It's a frustrating sick because I am only sick enough to feel lousy when I am being active ( and by active I mean walking) so when I find myself sitting for hours on the couch, even if doing something productive, I feel a bit lazy, until I get up to do something and fall back down in a chair after a few minutes with exhaustion. But it doesn't take me long to forget the cycle and it occurs again.

I wouldn't want to be sick for any other reason. I believe the last week's adventure is the cause for my battling immune system. Wednesday, after discovering our house was robbed yet again, some of us met up at the Sports tavern to watch history occur blatantly with the Red Soxs. We then decided to experience a new drinking well: Schooners, which was a blast. Could be the company, perhaps the kareoke. I slept a couple hours beside my snoring friend Dino, then headed out pretty early to meet Jill, laurel, graham, and britt in Oregon to head down to Chico. It was a pleasant drive. This time I am assured it was the company. Good folks. Good random mix. An hour from Chico, Jill lost her wallet, so we purchased some traditional road sodas to roll us into Chico in style. We ate one of the best Mexican meals of mi vida over ritas after which I slept through two parties and pumpkin carving fun. But I got in a good 10 hours of sleep in Jill's mom's trusty Volvo.

We made a kickass breakfast the next day with some people we met in Chico who became our best buds for the next few days. made some mimosas, went to a costume sale to purchase some Pirate gear for an upcoming party, tossed a bit, played some volleyball, then headed to The Bear for some food and beer. The bar tender happened to be Brandon Club, an old ski friend from Quincy. After that? hmmmm....oh! We went to Frankies and I got to hug jesse Thomas. Then we got some beer and went to a house to meet the rest of our team.

The rain and wind hindered our Ultimate playing the next day. We were pretty disappointed, but it was cool to see a general disappointment from everyone and not being able to play...right.
So, I got to chill with my parents, as we walked around downtown and saw some art galleries. We met my brother and Colin at my mom's friend from high school's restaurant and ate another incredible meal. She is a culinary genius. She buys mostly from locals and organic products and creates masterpieces. We all were very impressed, consuming 3 appetizer, 3 bottles of wine, entrees, and desserts. Thanks dad!

Chico threw a party of all parties. Kegs, pirates, Chingus (a band), boat races...need I say more? I remember looking around myself standing before a great band and seeing the majority of the people around me were Lutes loosing themselves in the music. it was a beautiful thing.

And the next day, the sun shone on us. We played an alright game against Berkeley, got to catch a bit of the guys second game, then headed back up the map. Another great drive. I had some really connecting conversation with graham, who agreed that his brain got quite a work out. Wise soul he is. I wouldn't take back an hour of driving time.

And here I am. A busy week ahead and I am only making it busier. Committing myself to more and more. Good idea, bad idea? We may never know. But I'll keep you posted.

October 13th. Wednesday. Final fall semester.

2004-10-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

The first? frost blankets the ground today. Each leaf and blade of grass lays still, holding their breath in hope that they will not have an unexpected visitor before the sun warms off their early fall coats. Halloween is coming. Thanksgiving is coming. I like this season. My favorite, in fact, if I were to choose one. I don’t think any other time of year can encompass so many contradictions. I always feel like I stand facing impending changes, yet welcome the familiar traditions. My body shivers with excitement of unraveling opportunities, yet smiles at the opportunity to wrap myself indoors. My embodied warmth melts the crisp air as I walk to school.

I have been stepping back more often lately, putting myself in the grand perspective of my little personal world. Because of this, I have been taking little steps to live each day to its fullest potential. Lots of action.

I heard an ex-representative from the UN speak last night. Listening to him I found myself yet again viewing my little personal world in the light of both our global situation, and temporal place as well.

He paid a very effective visit, discussing his views on single nation intervention, conflict resolution in a new era, NGOs, and the need for a global policing system. These topics re-sparked my interests in applying to grad schools abroad for programs in Peace Keeping Strategies/peaceful Conflict Resolution.

On that note, I mailed in my application for an absentee ballot today. I am excited to vote. I am normally very hesitant to take sides when the two positions claim to be so completely opposite from the other and apply titles from which stereotypes follow, but more and more so I feel great confidence in voting for John Kerry this election. The world is changing dramatically, whether we acknowledge this fact, or not, and the way we function within it as nations, needs to be just as evolving and flexible. I feel more convinced that a democratic approach can better make decisions concerning the globe than a more republican methodology.

Well, I would like to go act in the world now…

Vitamin C

2004-10-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

I just ate an orange. It had been ages since I had eaten an orange. After expressing that I was craving a piece of fruit, a friend snuck into the UC and stole me an orange, apple, and banana. Vitamin C and potassium: both my body has needed. Got it!
I had a wonderful nights sleep. Substance free...well, a glass of wine and an Octoberfest from NPCC. Met the family there last night. Phil also showed. We enjoyed some cards and good conversation. and the entertainment of Dino treating glasses of wine as shots. Crazy kid. It was a pleasant stroll home to the company of Tove and her welcoming bed. But I got in a good 9 hours. Feeling good.
I dreampt that Tove and I shared a house but she had four bedrooms full of numerous down-filled plush beds while I was restricted to a wooden bunker without a mattress. hmmmm...did I mention my airmattress popped? The floor has been treating me well. Lately. Well, last night. I had a dream that Jane and I decided we were in love with each other and would begin to date. Odd. Though it felt natural.

Last night, Tove, Car, and I had a conversation about reaccuring dreams, spurred on from mine about giving birth to rodents. Or birthing pets, as Carlee put it. We discovered that we all had different views about this reaccuing dream of mine, because each of us had differing past experiences with the creatures. To carlee, they are the most vile creatures to ever exist, so she would interpret my dream differntly than Tove who thinks of a wise Splinter character, who interprets it differently than I, who's only real pet and first experience with real resposibilty for another life was with a rat. Perhaps responsibilbity has been on my unconscious mind lately. Perhaps life after death, or more specifically, what that has meant to her, has been on Tove's mind lately, as the majority of her reaccuring dreams are vivid tales of passing into the next life. Carlee has never had a reaccuring dream. She rarely remembers any. hmmmm.....

Finally got my piano music from the castle this morning. Played a little jazz before class. My fingers have missed the ivory.

So I'm an orange green. I am active, love adventure and freedom, and feel constricted by rules. I am curious, inquisitive, strive for autonomy and value knowledge. I was reminded this last night through an activity MESA provided during job training. The purpose was to recognize our tendencies so we can use them to our best advantage, as well as remember the varying learning styles of the children we will be working with.
I thought I would be more green than orange: focus more on knowledge and discovery than on activity and competition. Though I was pretty balanced across the colors, (with the exception of the orderly, detail oriented gold) orange prevailed. It always does.

ahhh, tuesday

2004-10-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

I just finished a history and system’s test and my brain is fried. But I feel very liberated. The day now feels filled with endless amounts of opportunity, probably because anything and everything seems enjoyable now that this test is over with. I have never been so on top of my school game than I have been this semester. I always have my reading done before class and have processed it, reflected, applied it…So, I really wanted this test to go well and reflect the effort I have been putting it, and I think it did. I was nervous because I began studying days in advance, which I had yet to ever do, so knew mucho information. But I haven’t been sleeping well and I realize that no matter how much of the info I know, I can never portray it very well if I do not get plenty of sleep the night before. And despite going to bed at 8:30 on Sunday to catch up on the zzzzzs, I only got a few hours of sleep that night because I woke up at 1:30 and was not able to turn my mind off until the sun came up…and as a result it was off all day. So last night I exchanged with Amy some photos to be entered into the Matrix this month for some Benedrill and Melatonin to help me sleep. After a two-hour Ultimate session, of which I played the entire time because was the only woman who showed up for my team, and a hot shower, I was out by 11:30. Waking myself up at 7:30 was very challenging. I can’t imagine what one would feel like if they took a the recommended once every 4 hours dosage of Benedrill. I would be immobile.
So, I frantically splashed my face with cold water this morning, sipped some coffee, strong as ever how Carlee likes it, stretched, tried Anything! to get my mind awake.
Now that I finally am, I feel great. People say that substances obstruct good, deep sleep because they hinder REM sleep, but I definitely had some interesting dreams last night. I had my second dream that I gave birth to a mouse. Yup, second. Weird. Need to analyze that one some more. It was a pretty intense dream though, full of very relevant feelings. Again.

But its Tuesday. I look forward to Tuesdays. 2.50 pint night at NPCC. Bridgeport IPA. It is becoming a tradition to meet the boys and have a good chat over a couple beers. Dino, Ty, Noah, Dave, Carlee, Tove, and I. We are becoming pretty close again. In fact we are going to take a giant family photos this week that we will put in gaudy gold frames and hang in our living rooms. I do love these friends and think of them as a sort of family. We have amazing times…from drinking wine and watching debates, to BBQs, DDR, karaoke, and tattoos. I will miss those Sunday morning two-hour UC breakfasts.

So, after a long jaunt of being very pleasant with those around me, I’ve been rather short and negative lately. Lack of sleep plays into it a little bit, but mostly it just comes down to not wanting to take the extra time. But I realize, again, that the little extra time and effort goes a long way for the trip down the road towards positivism.

Think I’ll take yet another step today.

Earl Grey Tea

2004-10-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

I wish it came in the form of green tea. I hear that black tea interrupts the body's absorbing of iron. I can't imagine a cup of earl grey being as tasty if it were a green tea, however. So I sip it anyway on foggy mornings with a bit of warm milk and sugar.

During logic the other day, I saw a blurb I wrote on my notebook that I am currently reusing from a class last semester. hmmmm...
evolution is going to make activity necessary to our survival trigger dopamine in pleasure center
Wonder what the hell I was thinking. Kinda funny that I found it in logic class.

I do have a more clear point to share...something I also read the other day, however the point was not written by me. Perhaps the cause of clarity:

Respect for the rights and feelings of others is perhaps the least each of us can do for others, just as putting effort into the tasks we take on is perhaps the least we can do for ourselves. Becoming self-directed is an advanced stage of personal responsibility, and approriately caring about and helping others is arguably the most we can do for others (and perhaps ourselves as well).

Not a ground breaking statement, but I still appreciate it.
It comes from Teaching Responsibility Through Phys. Activity, assigned reading for class. Not logic, I can tell you that much. But a class I am glad I opted to take. New things to consider...

A day with importance

2004-09-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

I feel that yesterday was a defining day. I don't think today blurs into it, in the perspective of the time line of my life. Nothing too, too drastic happened. Things just feel different.

My team played our first game in hat league last night: under the lights in the north end of Tacoma. It was a blast. Our team worked together very well, right off the bat, (what a saying), and were pretty encouraging. We lost by two after a soft cap was called because the lights were going off at 9:30, but we'll get um next time. For sure, we'll get um next time. To say the least, it's going to be a good season. And I'm excited for it.

<>Patrick beat me to the conversation that was needed. So, it got to be on his terms, which isn't surprising. This just means that we couldn't talk casually about how we've felt this last week and discuss our whole take on things WITHOUT coming to a conclusion that would change the whole basis of the relationship. So, in respect for him and his need for defined lines and resolution, things are concluded. A small part of me is sad for myself and him over what we will be missing out on, but more of me knows that I have a lot to pour my time and energy into right now that already excites me without having to put effort into getting enthused about it.
In a midnight shower I remembered a past conclusion that a lasting relationship for me will occur with a person I have been friends with already for a period of time, or someone I have gotten to know and feel close to without the expectation of an approaching relationship of THIS sort. I just realize that it takes me quite a while (at least it has in the past) to develop strong, caring, emotions for another under these conditions, and for me to prioritize their well being over my passions.

Anyway, the day ended quite well: warm shower, pajamas, couch, psych reading, homemade pumpkin pie…need I say more?

Right, right, the OTHER oldies song

2004-09-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

You know, the one about relationships? Well, I still can't put my finger on it, but there WAS a point to me trying to think of this song...right, thoughts about relationships. Right.

So, I've gotten myself into quite a predicament. A battle within myself, I might say. Not such a horrible situation to be in, in the grand scheme of things, but not trivial, to say the least.

A few months ago, I came to the realization that I can gain something by entering into a relationship. That, yes, I still recognize and respect my former thoughts about relationships: that one sacrifices some freedom, that they should flow and evolve and from this status MAY evolve, etc. But I decided that these underlying, (generally, yes, negative) thoughts would not dominate my feelings toward them. I chose to increase my understanding of relationships as an aspect of life that can give me much more than it could ever take away. And with that thought, I immediately realized that a part of my negative attitude toward Rs (I will call them from here on out) was a slight fear of my identity being lost due to the other person’s reflecting onto me…which I realized was a silly fear not really worth having and only unveiled a slight lack of trust in myself, which was good to point out anyway…but anyway.

So, I’m just going to try to get this all out in one sloppy mess, and then if I feel like going back and clarifying myself one day, soon, then I will…but not for now…

Well, I may be almost done, at least for now…yup, pretty much…

So, with this realization, when I got myself into a situation recently, that made me have to chose a fork in the road of Rs with someone I had been spending (a little) more time with. Well, I’ll be clear: I didn’t treat him to well, didn’t give him as much attention he would have liked one night while we were partying a bit. This resulted in him being embarrassed in front of his friends, who are an important part of his life, me feeling like I should appoligize, him saying he doesn’t want to be treated like that and trust needs to be implemented into our interactions if we are going to continue down whatever road we were continuing down, us taking some time to think, and me concluding that if it had to be all or nothing, I would give it my all, as not to miss out on something with potential to be amazing or life-altering, and him saying that he accepted this, and we could continue down a road.…

But I’m afraid we did not continue down a road. Or maybe we were walking around a field, pick nicking with some friends every once in a while, when a storm occurred, and when we lifted our eyes, finally getting our umbrellas out and functioning, we were suddenly alone on a little dirt trail. We do not have the knowledge or skills gained only through experience and time together to be working as a two-person team alone in the woods. We don’t even know if we want to be on this trail, but all of a sudden, we put ourselves here. We jumped here and all of the emotions that are supposed to evolve over time are expected to be here.

I’m just saying I didn’t have the opportunity to see the road ahead of me before we were forced into the situation of having to step onto it. And now I feel like I my feet are a mile down it and my head and heart are expected to be there, but in actuality have only taken one step.

It all feels very mechanical, is what I would like to say. I made a decision based on the reasoning that I could benefit from the situation. But given that this was the process in which I entered the situation do I really have potential to benefit from it? Is that they way you enter into a relationship? I really don’t think so, now. I think asking oneself if one can benfit from a situation can often be a good question to ask…but perhaps the line is drawn when it comes to emotions.

I will continue thinking about this. Damn. Or should I…

Mama said there'd be days like this...

2004-09-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

There'd be days like this my mama said.
Well, no she didn't. And today is not one of those days I believe the singer was writing about. The song just popped into my head while I was trying to think of the oldies song that is about relationships...you know...that one?
But this song gets me thinking. Parents don’t normally inform their children about how challenging life can be on the self…at least mine didn’t, or at least they didn’t enough that I carried the memory with me. It’s rather a strange thing that our society is very hush, hush about personal hardships, more specifically the mental and spiritual challenges that seem a large part of the human condition. But I don’t think we can blame this phenomena solely on parental approaches.

A friend told me during a recent conversation, that she thinks her brother is going to have a hard time as he goes away to college this year: that he can tend to be a bit anxious, and not very self-trusting. After making her feel comfortable with conversing on this topic, she opened up and confided that she thinks she faces similar challenges, but she is able to just deal with them better. My natural response? “Yeah, the world is a really difficult place to exist within! Some people just have better coping capabilities...." the conversation continued. Slightly.

I think individuals fear that only they feel their happiness challenged by the world and are afraid to show vulnerability if they discuss these specific worries. How relieved might people feel if these thoughts were more readily shared and people could ACCEPT that being human is often a struggle, but that this is part of being human in the world we have created, we all deal with it, we all have different strategies, and can all share in this, are connected by this, and can help each other out...

My atoms vibrate in 6/8ths time...

2004-09-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

I heard Spearhead on the radio today. Oh what a day. How amazing is it that there is enough of a demand to hear their inspirational lyrics that stations are airing their songs? A-mazing, I say, A-mazing. There is hope yet!

I took a wonderful drive last night up to Seattle with the wonderful company of some wonderful women, Amy Post and Jane Assay, (and the surprise vocal company of Minerva Camp over the phone...pleasant surprise). We went to the Village Pub to listen to the spectacular makers of music: Flowmotion. They took my body and mind on a 4 hour journey. Those nights are some of my favorite :)

Nature, for sure nature...

2004-09-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I really like my classes this semester? Or more importantly, the broad array of interests in which I have been dedicating my time and mental energy? I realize, though this is the first conscious realization, that on a daily basis I address the well being of my past, present, and future selves. And it creates an ecosystem. All areas of my life are so interconnected and dependent. With a little reflection, the time I devote to one area has a direct output within another area.

This began with little direction and is only getting more vague... Good to hear.

Patrick has told me on more than one account that I am a woman of many hats. I don’t think there has been a time in my life when I have felt wiser. I am able to reflect upon and find incredible connects between my involvements. I believe that is a sure sign that one truly understands the information that is offered to/bombarding her constantly. I don’t think one can value their educational process without engaging in this mode of thinking and reflecting.

Because I am searching for the connections between music, gender, physics, leadership, sex, cultures, psychology, feminism, PLU, time, entertainment, philosophy, team-building, politics, family, religion, within everything offered to me lately (well, ideally, everything), the connections are beginning to offer themselves to me more readily and I feel damn smart, if you don’t mind me saying, damn smart.

Lovin it, loving it…

Rainy days

2004-09-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

Its a typical hump day in Western Washington. The rain pays a visit off and on throughout the day and people walk around pretending they can ignore it. Coffee is sipped, hats are worn, hellos are exchanged. But don't get me wrong, these days are alive. Deep pockets are boiling with excitement, knowledge, opportunity...The smiles are sincere and potentials explored. I haven't written in a while (since I arrived here from California) and I don't think I will try to recall all that has happened, but I would like to start writing some more.

It feels good to be here. A lot is going on, but I have a handle on it all and myself and where I am standing in the midst of it all and what it all means in where I will be standing a few short months from now. Which will more than likely be somewhere completely different.
The opportunities are endless right now. The choices to be made: infinite. But I am not overwhelmed. I am excited about the small steps I have been taking and all that currently interests me. And the responses are encouraging and feed the excitement that much more.

But I am thankful for the position in which I am right now and try to ground myself within it. I am a wise, hopeful young woman in the midst of her last year of Undergraduate education. I am full of knowledge and smile as I strive for more. My interactions are plentiful and meaningful and my friendships full of love and appreciation. My daily challenges and decisions, though not trivial, are in the scheme of things, very blessed things to face.

I am happy, enjoying myself and learning to trust myself more and more everyday. What a fun adventure life and love can be.
Wheresoever you go, take your whole heart with you :)
~Me

Everyone deserves music, sweet music...

2004-09-03T01:24:00.000-07:00

When I turned 16 my parents made me promise that I would not listen to music while driving in the car. The passion music evoked in me would ultimately lead to my death, they skeptically foretold...
I wish that I never grow numb.

quick recap

2004-08-31T22:25:00.000-07:00

Summer's having a great grand finale
Just saw What the *(&#*! Do WE Know for the third time.
The weekend ended with 3 hours of Ultimate in my precious town of Nevada City
before which I came from Washington (the river/town, that is) which no summer experience would be complete without...
before which I came from an amazing ragae festival full of camping, dancing, swinging, playing monopoly...
before which I came from a day at the state fair with my wonderful grandmother and cousin...
It's been amazing.
The body and mind have been very busy. Balanced.
Life is one giant vacation, it's yours for the taking.

Warriors

2004-08-27T18:40:00.000-07:00

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...
Do the thing you think you cannot do."

Eleanor Roosevelt

Learning love

2004-08-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

Never have I been on the recieving end of so much love, or at least made aware that I am. And I am dealing with it well. The little inconvieniences that come with another thinking the world of you I recognize are little signs of love: love is the only source. And there is nothing negative for me, or not worth my while, when it comes to love. I most certainly have everything to gain from it. While I would normally be feeling soffocated or like my identity is being threatened, I now go about my business and occasionally remember there is someone who would do anything for me. More and more frequently this thought occurs until I find myself acting less selfishly and taking this love into account, including this being and their feelings.

I just got back from a backpacking trip with Lance, my dog. It was the first time I had been alone with him for an extended amount of time. And alone we were. His protection, gratitdue, and inquisition was concentrated on one person. And it was intense. But hiking with him has taught me to adjust, comprimise, accept, and be patient. WIth him comes responsibility and commitment, but safety and companionship as well.

I had a dream last night that I feel in love. With a human being, that is. I was at Mideval Times, but it was much different: casual, more interactive, etc. I was watching from a wall and one of the performers came and flirted with another sitting by me, as part of the show. But he ended up sitting on my lap for most of the performance. Next thing I know I am leaving his house after meeting his mom and we are cruising down the street on one of those mobile town tour excursions and being very close, open, and having a lot of fun. I wasn't holding anything back and I actually liked the guy: those two things occur but rarely hand in hand.

blistful buzz...

2004-08-21T23:46:00.000-07:00

It's my dad's birthday weekend...funny how we milk the world for as long as we can when an excuse comes around for a little attention. Anyway, I took him to a private Leo Kottky concert on a hill top in Nevada City. Oh, what a town. It was a beautiful night, full of people who appreciate stars and local wineries. My bum got stung by bees...but blistfully balanced: two on each cheak. Tomorrow we are going to visit with my grandpa, then I am introducing my dad to pickup ulitmate frisbee...the Ultimate birthday present, if you don't mind me saying.
Well, reading in bed is sounding remarkable :)

What a long strange trip it's been

2004-08-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been the kind that bring tears with the realization of how truly beautiful your life is. And nothing spectacular has occured, just one beautiful thing after another, but that indeed is what a resplendent life is about, is it not?
I made my parents a wonderful dinner the other night and we shared it over a bottle of delicious zinfindel and the usual conversation. THough it is often a conscious effort, I am beggining it use more patience with those two so I can more enjoy my time with them...which really is getting farther inbetween visits that grow shorter. THere is just so many incredible things to do around this time and general area that I find myself not wanting to sit still.
So then I headed to my pals Matt and Mike's beer leauge saoftball game, in which I got a couple base hits...oh, good times. Randy, Sarah, and Lo showed up. I forget how much fun I have playing softball. I have been craving team sports so much lately. That night I found myself laying for hours on the heat of my parent's concrete driveway under a sky alive with stars with a dog for a pillow. Talked to Jesse for quite a while. His serenity has a way of stirring spirit within me, getting me on fire. He has been dating a gal the past couple months, who excites him a lot, but her little annoyances and conversations like his and mine make him over anylize and question the relationship. hmmmm, that reminds me of a little someone I know.
So the next day, the gals and I headed up for our anual Ta-hoes reuion. ANd what a blast that was. We played frisbee and beachvollyball at Zepher over a few beers then snuck our behinds into Harveys. We got all dolled up, then headed out for a night on the town. Which was not as wild as our many previous years of nights together. We all claim that we are all getting a bit older, slower. But I think we just enjoy our time together. What a great group of gals we are. Pretty lucky, pretty lucky. Larkyn, Lauren, and I talk of getting some land and starting a sort of community. Well, yes, a commune, who are we kidding. ANyway, the drive home was great, after the traditional breakfast at the Red Hut.
On a coffee break during the drive around that awe-inspiring lake, I caught eyes with a smaller black man, sitting quitely wawaiting his lunch. He immediately stopped writing, stood up, and said "Come here, sister." We exchanged a hug and he said, "Some people are just worth standing up for." It was a great moment between gentle souls. The pool welcomed us back, then we all got ready for the fair. Oh, the fair. Now a days it consists of schmoozing and boozing at the beer gardens...little else. But it is always a blast, none the less, to run into people you havn't seen in years. When the place shut down, we brought back the old times and brought a party to the Robertson Hotel.
My brother, his girlfriend, Caroline, my dad, dog and I went to the American river the next day. We stopped and saw Carl's property on the way home. What a breath-taking view. The Forest Hill bridge is a little eiry, yes, but the dam on lake Clementine to the left brings a peaceful balance. We stopped at Ikeada's for smoothies, jumped off of Eagle's point and floated down the Bear River.
I have fallen in love all over again with water. No wonder they use it for thearapy. THe weightlessness. Like a child. I bounce. Floating. Watching through a dreamy lense. I learned to do the butterfly. What an incredible feeling. The motion. As well as knowing I can really do almost anything I really want, with some time and effort. Just have to decide what you want. Deliberation.
Anyway, we had a feast that night, after which I met the Robertsons at Coopers to watch the Mermen. It was a beautiful night. Scotty and his pals, Laurie and her sister and boyfriend, Meghan and her's, and many others showed up and we all just danced the night away. Simply beautiful. Kate schofered all our silly drunken butts home.
Yesterday morning the power was out. My mama and I did facials and ate pancakes, then I played Life with the kids of the clients my dad was meeting with. Then Rose and I took the surf board out on Eric Rakestraw's $80,000 boat and we all had a blast. Rose and I impressed the lads with our tandem boarding. Surfboarding. WHat silly humans we were, entertaining ourselves. But with the georgous company of Jonny B, Eric, nathen, and Kyle Rutherford, everyone with a beer in hand, the glassy lake and the music of a new AMAZING artis, Donovan frankenster? it was a dream-like afternoon. We zonked out that night watching the olympics, eating Keith's crazy hot chili and cherry garcia.
Today we decided we are going down to Encenatas to camp on the beach for a couple nights and surf. Oh, what a summer.
Peace, love, patience, kindness.

Don't miss out...

2004-08-10T17:00:00.000-07:00

http://www.renegadeshows.com/festivals.html#venue

Clear reflection

2004-08-10T15:51:00.000-07:00

Well, another place to add to the list of amazing spots I've found myself stretching. Alburqurque, New Mexico. I never would have thought I'd come here, but it's been amazing. The ever changing skys stretch for miles of clouds that occasionally gather for an unexpected lightning performance. The bluffs and dry, rugged hills jut against the horizon creating the appearance of a child's construction paper cutouts.
And the circumstances that brought me here have been thought provoking.
And here's a whole new way I am going to give a shot for expressing them.

I read a quote yesterday in a museum in Santa Fe called the Awakening Experience that didn't impress me much at the time, but stuck with me and my thoughts of this summer.
"We do not remember days, We remember moments" Cesare Pavese

These past few months have been full of some memorable moments. With my over-achieving nature, I thought I would root myself in Tacoma, thinking that my next biggest challenge would be to stay put in one place for more than 3 months, rather than the usual busying of myself on the move doing something new. But in hindsite, I realize my most healthy challenge was admitting that I'm not as strong as I think I have to be and to be okay cutting myself a little slack. And boy howdy am I glad I did.

I got to spend the first few weeks in Tacoma working at the Spar eery night making some dough and pretty good friends. I'm happy I headed back to Grass Valley after that. Nothing like old friends and surroundings for a little reminder of who you are and all you've been working towards. A little clarity. Though I've recognized the freedom of not limiting yourself by living with your personality traits completely influencing your actions, I've also realized how fiery I feel when I use them to my advantage and when I remember the goals those traits urge me strive for.
Then in one day I woke up in a tent with my Rosie in the Sierra Nevadas of California and found myself partying on the beach in Mexico the same night. And after a few weeks in Santa Barbara getting a little taste of California college life, I find myself here recalling the MOMENTS.

Meredith and I singing Rent from the top of our lungs after seeing it live in Tacoma.
Eating take out Thai food and watching movies with Haley after bashing on Kathy all day for packing and moving her shit.
Ordering endless amounts of bar food on a rainy Sunday spar afternoon, playing rummy with my coworker Danny.
Samba dancing with Carlee at Folklife.
Freezing my buns off and screaming my lungs out with Patrick at the Enchanted Village.
Getting stalked by truck drivers on my way home after crashing my car in Portland.
Sunset golf rounds with my parents.
The sound of Rosie's voice when she shouted to my worried aunt, uncle, dog, dad, and I that she finally spotted our lilly pad-filled lake for which we'd been searching for hours.
Beer and fish tacos for breakfast...need I say more?
Laying on the beach in Santa B. after surfing...Rose, Josh, and I in silence, eyes closed, trying to recall a new memory.
The way it felt to hug my second mama, Kate.
A release of emotions upon a complete stranger.
The sting in out feet after a full game of Ultimate, wearing flipflops in a field of sage brush.
Being with an amazing friend the week of her wedding and hugging her goodbye on her honeymoon night.
Doing nothing but think, listen, and occasionally open my mouth by candle light with a comfortable blanket and company of Aaron Bell, warm beer, and good music.
It feels good to be able to think again.
I think I'll keep it up.

Smokey

2004-08-10T02:10:00.000-07:00

Welp, I'm finally on fire again. I was gripping life too strongly for a period of time, afriad to slip, but carefully dying but now I slip out of the routine...what is expected of me. By me. I come home and people like to verbally remind me that I'm unpredictable, a fountain of joy, a dreamer and achiever and I feel like a liar. Like they only saw in me what they needed to see. In me? or in themselves. More than likely in me for themselves...
But my spirit is back. They do not lie, only offer a gentle slap in the face to a person who almost died peacfully in her sleep. Nothing is achieved without conflict, chaos, oh mighty creator of motion. Even the Dali Lama proclaims that. Perhaps I was just stalled in the most conflicting time I have ever expirienced and so much energy has built in that stoicness that I will explode with more creative energy than I have ever harnessed. I need to reflect upon my childhood more. I think our personality traits will always return and be grounded in those roots no matter how far we try to stray. More than likely because the compliments and discouragments endlessly recieved in early years saturate our perceptions of ourselves and we end up resting on them as basic reference points to which we can return and "know" how we should respond to situations or limit ourselves in the face of overwhelming possibilities...but none the less, the times I find mine to be pretty positive, beneficial, so why not use um, right? Can't I play the game for once instead of fighting it?
So I'm not the only thing on fire. The town of Colfax California is burning up. People are having to evacuate their homes. I remember this happening one other time. All the neighbors gathered at my house to assess the situation because ours rested at the top of the hill. We all decided to give the firemen an hour before we started packing up our prized possessions. Ended up it was my best friend Rosie's house that was charred. And there I was worrying about leaving behind the tree under which I had planted my pet rat Buddy.
pretty tired...