Smokey

Welp, I'm finally on fire again. I was gripping life too strongly for a period of time, afriad to slip, but carefully dying but now I slip out of the routine...what is expected of me. By me. I come home and people like to verbally remind me that I'm unpredictable, a fountain of joy, a dreamer and achiever and I feel like a liar. Like they only saw in me what they needed to see. In me? or in themselves. More than likely in me for themselves...
But my spirit is back. They do not lie, only offer a gentle slap in the face to a person who almost died peacfully in her sleep. Nothing is achieved without conflict, chaos, oh mighty creator of motion. Even the Dali Lama proclaims that. Perhaps I was just stalled in the most conflicting time I have ever expirienced and so much energy has built in that stoicness that I will explode with more creative energy than I have ever harnessed. I need to reflect upon my childhood more. I think our personality traits will always return and be grounded in those roots no matter how far we try to stray. More than likely because the compliments and discouragments endlessly recieved in early years saturate our perceptions of ourselves and we end up resting on them as basic reference points to which we can return and "know" how we should respond to situations or limit ourselves in the face of overwhelming possibilities...but none the less, the times I find mine to be pretty positive, beneficial, so why not use um, right? Can't I play the game for once instead of fighting it?
So I'm not the only thing on fire. The town of Colfax California is burning up. People are having to evacuate their homes. I remember this happening one other time. All the neighbors gathered at my house to assess the situation because ours rested at the top of the hill. We all decided to give the firemen an hour before we started packing up our prized possessions. Ended up it was my best friend Rosie's house that was charred. And there I was worrying about leaving behind the tree under which I had planted my pet rat Buddy.
pretty tired...