Right, right, the OTHER oldies song

You know, the one about relationships? Well, I still can't put my finger on it, but there WAS a point to me trying to think of this song...right, thoughts about relationships. Right.

So, I've gotten myself into quite a predicament. A battle within myself, I might say. Not such a horrible situation to be in, in the grand scheme of things, but not trivial, to say the least.

A few months ago, I came to the realization that I can gain something by entering into a relationship. That, yes, I still recognize and respect my former thoughts about relationships: that one sacrifices some freedom, that they should flow and evolve and from this status MAY evolve, etc. But I decided that these underlying, (generally, yes, negative) thoughts would not dominate my feelings toward them. I chose to increase my understanding of relationships as an aspect of life that can give me much more than it could ever take away. And with that thought, I immediately realized that a part of my negative attitude toward Rs (I will call them from here on out) was a slight fear of my identity being lost due to the other person’s reflecting onto me…which I realized was a silly fear not really worth having and only unveiled a slight lack of trust in myself, which was good to point out anyway…but anyway.

So, I’m just going to try to get this all out in one sloppy mess, and then if I feel like going back and clarifying myself one day, soon, then I will…but not for now…

Well, I may be almost done, at least for now…yup, pretty much…

So, with this realization, when I got myself into a situation recently, that made me have to chose a fork in the road of Rs with someone I had been spending (a little) more time with. Well, I’ll be clear: I didn’t treat him to well, didn’t give him as much attention he would have liked one night while we were partying a bit. This resulted in him being embarrassed in front of his friends, who are an important part of his life, me feeling like I should appoligize, him saying he doesn’t want to be treated like that and trust needs to be implemented into our interactions if we are going to continue down whatever road we were continuing down, us taking some time to think, and me concluding that if it had to be all or nothing, I would give it my all, as not to miss out on something with potential to be amazing or life-altering, and him saying that he accepted this, and we could continue down a road.…

But I’m afraid we did not continue down a road. Or maybe we were walking around a field, pick nicking with some friends every once in a while, when a storm occurred, and when we lifted our eyes, finally getting our umbrellas out and functioning, we were suddenly alone on a little dirt trail. We do not have the knowledge or skills gained only through experience and time together to be working as a two-person team alone in the woods. We don’t even know if we want to be on this trail, but all of a sudden, we put ourselves here. We jumped here and all of the emotions that are supposed to evolve over time are expected to be here.

I’m just saying I didn’t have the opportunity to see the road ahead of me before we were forced into the situation of having to step onto it. And now I feel like I my feet are a mile down it and my head and heart are expected to be there, but in actuality have only taken one step.

It all feels very mechanical, is what I would like to say. I made a decision based on the reasoning that I could benefit from the situation. But given that this was the process in which I entered the situation do I really have potential to benefit from it? Is that they way you enter into a relationship? I really don’t think so, now. I think asking oneself if one can benfit from a situation can often be a good question to ask…but perhaps the line is drawn when it comes to emotions.

I will continue thinking about this. Damn. Or should I…