I have tears in my ears

A quote from my mom tonight.

We have this ongoing tradition that I clean her house on Fridays, she comes home to cocktails and me playing the piano, either my dad or I cooking a great dinner, and the evening is complete with cards, a game of yatzee, a movie, or just laying around talking. well, there's been times that we have danced. Quite a bit.

But this was our last one for a while. And laying on the floor after steak, grilled zeggies, and zin...a bit of old jazz from the piano and folk from the radio...she said she does not want sunday to come. i'm leaving sunday. And though I love my mom, I know she loves me, I tell her she's my best friend and I mean it, i didn't quite grasp that she was feeling this way.

i thought she might focus on the alternative...was her daughter really going to live around town forever? is ashley lacking feelings of vigor, of progress and challenge? But, God, it is good to know this. To know, if even with pain, these feelings of love. It is good to know she would be there for me no matter what, no matter when. I can come to her when I really need her. And that is not something I practice much. But there are those days that just knowing that will be the most comforting thing in the world.

But, too, it is hard to be the one who is left. I am sorry. So sorry. that you will walk down those stairs and my false presense will mock you like a ghost. that there might be those days that you need some girl time after work but all you might feel is alone, even abandoned. I miss you so much thinking of it. Already. i miss you so much.

i am so sorry. That I get to be the one that leaves, walks towards excitement and beginnings, rather then stay with a vacancy. it's hard to be the one who stays when things change.

but think of the phone calls, the visits down, the reunions at home. THink how special they will be! the months of love and stories and growth concentrated in one beautiful connection...
it will be special. not what it is now, which, despite what you might think I think, is so important to me, something I hold dear.

i wish you could take me leaving not so personally. And I know you dont. Right? you dont right...despite what sometimes crosses your mind? I am not unhappy here. i am not unhappy with you. I am me. And you know me.

Today, I cleaned her house for the last (regular:) time. I washed my car to be presentable in a new place. I changed its oil so it will get me there happily. I deposited last checks from my old job. i canceled my gym membership. I picked up months of presciptions...I am ready.

so full of confidence that only many years of love and belief in my special capabilities could grant me.

I thank you. from the center of my being, I thank you. And that's where I love you from too. Always.

Ash