Unconscious?

I had such a restless sleep last night. It made it initially much more difficult to take on the day today with the energy required to bring the meaning into the world around me that I want to see. But occasional gentle reminders from myself make it possible.
I tossed and turned in a half-conscious state for a majority of the early morning hours: a dance between levels of consciousness. Due to mental stress? Physical stress?(having to urinate? having an unfamiliar lump in my pillow?) environmental noise?
In deciding upon a cause for my inability to sleep soundly does it bring my unconscious experience to a conscious level, even if the noted cause is not accurate...hmmmm...

We had the first meeting for the Vagina monologues last night. I would like to think the things I get myself into are more than just activities merely to keep myself occupied. The more I commit myself to, the more I ask this question. But my array of interests and passions should not directly relate to their demeaning...(demeaning?)
Anyway, my audition went well. Better than I thought, because I was assigned a role considered one of the more challenging. I think the directors thought I could interpret it well. This recognition on my part makes my current position at PLU more apparent. I think of the senior women I knew when I was a freshman and how wise, powerful, confident they seemed.
And the next realization makes me smile. It's not that they were not...its just that I am too in that position and not used to recognizing it.

I feel...

much better. I went to bed early after intently reading some from my book, which I am nearing the end, again, as this is the second time I have read it, and yet again, this saddens me. I mind woke before NPR could open my eyes. I ventured out early after a breakfast of fruit and yogurt to find my lungs pierced with the crisp fall air. It is definitely fall. Not a cloud in the blue sky against which the orange leaves contrast so greatly. I am grounded today, yet float about romantically. I am good to myself.

surface

Been a while. Despite my appreciation for/faith in? Introspection.

I'm sick. It's a frustrating sick because I am only sick enough to feel lousy when I am being active ( and by active I mean walking) so when I find myself sitting for hours on the couch, even if doing something productive, I feel a bit lazy, until I get up to do something and fall back down in a chair after a few minutes with exhaustion. But it doesn't take me long to forget the cycle and it occurs again.

I wouldn't want to be sick for any other reason. I believe the last week's adventure is the cause for my battling immune system. Wednesday, after discovering our house was robbed yet again, some of us met up at the Sports tavern to watch history occur blatantly with the Red Soxs. We then decided to experience a new drinking well: Schooners, which was a blast. Could be the company, perhaps the kareoke. I slept a couple hours beside my snoring friend Dino, then headed out pretty early to meet Jill, laurel, graham, and britt in Oregon to head down to Chico. It was a pleasant drive. This time I am assured it was the company. Good folks. Good random mix. An hour from Chico, Jill lost her wallet, so we purchased some traditional road sodas to roll us into Chico in style. We ate one of the best Mexican meals of mi vida over ritas after which I slept through two parties and pumpkin carving fun. But I got in a good 10 hours of sleep in Jill's mom's trusty Volvo.

We made a kickass breakfast the next day with some people we met in Chico who became our best buds for the next few days. made some mimosas, went to a costume sale to purchase some Pirate gear for an upcoming party, tossed a bit, played some volleyball, then headed to The Bear for some food and beer. The bar tender happened to be Brandon Club, an old ski friend from Quincy. After that? hmmmm....oh! We went to Frankies and I got to hug jesse Thomas. Then we got some beer and went to a house to meet the rest of our team.

The rain and wind hindered our Ultimate playing the next day. We were pretty disappointed, but it was cool to see a general disappointment from everyone and not being able to play...right.
So, I got to chill with my parents, as we walked around downtown and saw some art galleries. We met my brother and Colin at my mom's friend from high school's restaurant and ate another incredible meal. She is a culinary genius. She buys mostly from locals and organic products and creates masterpieces. We all were very impressed, consuming 3 appetizer, 3 bottles of wine, entrees, and desserts. Thanks dad!

Chico threw a party of all parties. Kegs, pirates, Chingus (a band), boat races...need I say more? I remember looking around myself standing before a great band and seeing the majority of the people around me were Lutes loosing themselves in the music. it was a beautiful thing.

And the next day, the sun shone on us. We played an alright game against Berkeley, got to catch a bit of the guys second game, then headed back up the map. Another great drive. I had some really connecting conversation with graham, who agreed that his brain got quite a work out. Wise soul he is. I wouldn't take back an hour of driving time.

And here I am. A busy week ahead and I am only making it busier. Committing myself to more and more. Good idea, bad idea? We may never know. But I'll keep you posted.

October 13th. Wednesday. Final fall semester.

The first? frost blankets the ground today. Each leaf and blade of grass lays still, holding their breath in hope that they will not have an unexpected visitor before the sun warms off their early fall coats. Halloween is coming. Thanksgiving is coming. I like this season. My favorite, in fact, if I were to choose one. I don’t think any other time of year can encompass so many contradictions. I always feel like I stand facing impending changes, yet welcome the familiar traditions. My body shivers with excitement of unraveling opportunities, yet smiles at the opportunity to wrap myself indoors. My embodied warmth melts the crisp air as I walk to school.

I have been stepping back more often lately, putting myself in the grand perspective of my little personal world. Because of this, I have been taking little steps to live each day to its fullest potential. Lots of action.

I heard an ex-representative from the UN speak last night. Listening to him I found myself yet again viewing my little personal world in the light of both our global situation, and temporal place as well.

He paid a very effective visit, discussing his views on single nation intervention, conflict resolution in a new era, NGOs, and the need for a global policing system. These topics re-sparked my interests in applying to grad schools abroad for programs in Peace Keeping Strategies/peaceful Conflict Resolution.

On that note, I mailed in my application for an absentee ballot today. I am excited to vote. I am normally very hesitant to take sides when the two positions claim to be so completely opposite from the other and apply titles from which stereotypes follow, but more and more so I feel great confidence in voting for John Kerry this election. The world is changing dramatically, whether we acknowledge this fact, or not, and the way we function within it as nations, needs to be just as evolving and flexible. I feel more convinced that a democratic approach can better make decisions concerning the globe than a more republican methodology.

Well, I would like to go act in the world now…

Vitamin C

I just ate an orange. It had been ages since I had eaten an orange. After expressing that I was craving a piece of fruit, a friend snuck into the UC and stole me an orange, apple, and banana. Vitamin C and potassium: both my body has needed. Got it!
I had a wonderful nights sleep. Substance free...well, a glass of wine and an Octoberfest from NPCC. Met the family there last night. Phil also showed. We enjoyed some cards and good conversation. and the entertainment of Dino treating glasses of wine as shots. Crazy kid. It was a pleasant stroll home to the company of Tove and her welcoming bed. But I got in a good 9 hours. Feeling good.
I dreampt that Tove and I shared a house but she had four bedrooms full of numerous down-filled plush beds while I was restricted to a wooden bunker without a mattress. hmmmm...did I mention my airmattress popped? The floor has been treating me well. Lately. Well, last night. I had a dream that Jane and I decided we were in love with each other and would begin to date. Odd. Though it felt natural.

Last night, Tove, Car, and I had a conversation about reaccuring dreams, spurred on from mine about giving birth to rodents. Or birthing pets, as Carlee put it. We discovered that we all had different views about this reaccuing dream of mine, because each of us had differing past experiences with the creatures. To carlee, they are the most vile creatures to ever exist, so she would interpret my dream differntly than Tove who thinks of a wise Splinter character, who interprets it differently than I, who's only real pet and first experience with real resposibilty for another life was with a rat. Perhaps responsibilbity has been on my unconscious mind lately. Perhaps life after death, or more specifically, what that has meant to her, has been on Tove's mind lately, as the majority of her reaccuring dreams are vivid tales of passing into the next life. Carlee has never had a reaccuring dream. She rarely remembers any. hmmmm.....

Finally got my piano music from the castle this morning. Played a little jazz before class. My fingers have missed the ivory.

So I'm an orange green. I am active, love adventure and freedom, and feel constricted by rules. I am curious, inquisitive, strive for autonomy and value knowledge. I was reminded this last night through an activity MESA provided during job training. The purpose was to recognize our tendencies so we can use them to our best advantage, as well as remember the varying learning styles of the children we will be working with.
I thought I would be more green than orange: focus more on knowledge and discovery than on activity and competition. Though I was pretty balanced across the colors, (with the exception of the orderly, detail oriented gold) orange prevailed. It always does.

ahhh, tuesday

I just finished a history and system’s test and my brain is fried. But I feel very liberated. The day now feels filled with endless amounts of opportunity, probably because anything and everything seems enjoyable now that this test is over with. I have never been so on top of my school game than I have been this semester. I always have my reading done before class and have processed it, reflected, applied it…So, I really wanted this test to go well and reflect the effort I have been putting it, and I think it did. I was nervous because I began studying days in advance, which I had yet to ever do, so knew mucho information. But I haven’t been sleeping well and I realize that no matter how much of the info I know, I can never portray it very well if I do not get plenty of sleep the night before. And despite going to bed at 8:30 on Sunday to catch up on the zzzzzs, I only got a few hours of sleep that night because I woke up at 1:30 and was not able to turn my mind off until the sun came up…and as a result it was off all day. So last night I exchanged with Amy some photos to be entered into the Matrix this month for some Benedrill and Melatonin to help me sleep. After a two-hour Ultimate session, of which I played the entire time because was the only woman who showed up for my team, and a hot shower, I was out by 11:30. Waking myself up at 7:30 was very challenging. I can’t imagine what one would feel like if they took a the recommended once every 4 hours dosage of Benedrill. I would be immobile.
So, I frantically splashed my face with cold water this morning, sipped some coffee, strong as ever how Carlee likes it, stretched, tried Anything! to get my mind awake.
Now that I finally am, I feel great. People say that substances obstruct good, deep sleep because they hinder REM sleep, but I definitely had some interesting dreams last night. I had my second dream that I gave birth to a mouse. Yup, second. Weird. Need to analyze that one some more. It was a pretty intense dream though, full of very relevant feelings. Again.

But its Tuesday. I look forward to Tuesdays. 2.50 pint night at NPCC. Bridgeport IPA. It is becoming a tradition to meet the boys and have a good chat over a couple beers. Dino, Ty, Noah, Dave, Carlee, Tove, and I. We are becoming pretty close again. In fact we are going to take a giant family photos this week that we will put in gaudy gold frames and hang in our living rooms. I do love these friends and think of them as a sort of family. We have amazing times…from drinking wine and watching debates, to BBQs, DDR, karaoke, and tattoos. I will miss those Sunday morning two-hour UC breakfasts.

So, after a long jaunt of being very pleasant with those around me, I’ve been rather short and negative lately. Lack of sleep plays into it a little bit, but mostly it just comes down to not wanting to take the extra time. But I realize, again, that the little extra time and effort goes a long way for the trip down the road towards positivism.

Think I’ll take yet another step today.

Earl Grey Tea

I wish it came in the form of green tea. I hear that black tea interrupts the body's absorbing of iron. I can't imagine a cup of earl grey being as tasty if it were a green tea, however. So I sip it anyway on foggy mornings with a bit of warm milk and sugar.

During logic the other day, I saw a blurb I wrote on my notebook that I am currently reusing from a class last semester. hmmmm...
evolution is going to make activity necessary to our survival trigger dopamine in pleasure center
Wonder what the hell I was thinking. Kinda funny that I found it in logic class.

I do have a more clear point to share...something I also read the other day, however the point was not written by me. Perhaps the cause of clarity:

Respect for the rights and feelings of others is perhaps the least each of us can do for others, just as putting effort into the tasks we take on is perhaps the least we can do for ourselves. Becoming self-directed is an advanced stage of personal responsibility, and approriately caring about and helping others is arguably the most we can do for others (and perhaps ourselves as well).

Not a ground breaking statement, but I still appreciate it.
It comes from Teaching Responsibility Through Phys. Activity, assigned reading for class. Not logic, I can tell you that much. But a class I am glad I opted to take. New things to consider...