I have the need to be on fire...

...I have icebergs to melt. ~William Loyd Garrison.

This quote has stuck with me since I read it a few years back. I take it with me everywhere I go because it is in my wallet. It's meaning has changed for me over time. garrison was an abolitionist. I think I found it when my mind and goals were centered on the rights and well being of others. It has conjured for me thoughts of melting the walls people put up around them. For much time it made me feel very powerful, in high demand, ready to take on any challenge. I still find this message within it. I realize now, too, however, that I have always placed much importance on recognition, prestige, being the best. I have let my pride stand between me and love & acceptance.

I know I am not the best. And it is with this recognition that I can release and explore and admit that I don't know what I am doing and that I need help, and enjoy and exist in the present moment.

So, yes, I have the need to be on fire. I have icebergs to melt. But fire can take on many appearances. Often times it is felt by one, unnoticed by many. Sometimes fire is dangerous: its heat has no regard for the lives of others, but changes everything in its path. Sometimes it burns low and can keep many people warm for hours.

I often am reminded of a conversation I had with a friend many years ago...well :) many is relative. But about 6 0r 7! hmmmm...crazy....
He wished that he could be that type of person who took people by surprise: that people expected little of him and he was able to impress them. He would prefer that over his typical situation of people expecting greatness, and not that they were let down by what they observed or received from him, but that he could pleasantly surprise people, avoid some of the pressure and eager expectations, and even slip by unnoticed sometimes.

When we expect greatness of ourselves, others are bound to expect it too. We are always trying to improve and we have to adjust our idea of what fulfills our definition of greatness.

I'm excited to just let myself falter a little bit, make mistakes, explore what I never even was able to imagine in my idea of greatness and fire. What shape will my iceberg take?

A quote I have always liked a little more:

**Life...
is either a
DARING ADVENTURE or nothing.
To keep our
FACES TOWARD CHANGE,
and behave like
FREE SPIRITS
in the presence of
FATE
is strength undefeatable.
***
Helen Keller

The ability to adjust and keep a positive outlook is imperative to happiness and success. I am surprisingly hopeful.

So after an amazing visit with Minerva in Albuquerque (i will be able to write that word without conscious effort someday if its the last thing I do) full of great chats, cabins, cards, tequila, skiing, new friends, cookin feasts, champagne, great weather, long walks, and fun exploration...I prepare to leave for another few days. I flew in, explored Sacramento some, got some new spring clothes, bid a friend farewell over Sushi, darts, and open mics before their trip to Costa Rica, thought I got accepted into the doctorate program at NYU, realized that I got accepted only to the MA program and would not receive a fellowship, got down, slept, got a good report from the dentist, studied for the damn Psych GRE, ran out some frustration, and gained new perspective. I feel good. Again. And in the morning I take 18 junior highers on an excursion that will change who they are. not too shabby this life of mine. And sleep calls.

Since II...

So. Since February 24th...

I dove deep into a study plan for the Psychology GRE.
I have cut my hair in support of my friend's boy with leukemia.
It's been that time of the month.
I've ventured back out into the social scene.
I saw a doctor.
I have strolled the streets of Grass Valley, drinking wine.
I won a game of darts.
I played improve piano with a guitarist in a hotel.
I coached the ski team at State Championships.
I played my first round of guitar hero.
I had a first kiss.
I've paid bills.
I got a rejection letter to grad school.
I got ANOTHER rejection letter to grad school!
I've started date night with Sabrina
I cleaned this darn huge house 2 times.
I went hiking.
I went hiking again.
I made Champagne mojitos.
I watched A LOT of grey's Anatomy.
I had a play date with the gals in oakland.
I've talked to my uncle more than I did the last 6 months.
I've gone dancing.
I've gone tanning :)
I finished all my fed and state taxes.
I sang Stevie Wonder kareoke.
I made eggplant parmegian.
I've gotten pretty into American Idol.
I yelled at a friend.
I've smiled. A lot.

Since...

Since February 24th...is much different?
Does it feel different?
i can't say I haven't felt the need or the desire to write here, creating a sign that things are different. I have. Is it telling then, that I just had nothing to write? Another 'no'. Have I been short on time and not able to write? Perhaps this is a factor. Slightly. Not that I have experienced more pressing activities and tasks. Not so much, no.

Winter.
I said once this winter that we humans are really made to catch up on rest during the winter months. The day light hours are short, it is cold outside. We put aside chores that could be done in warmer months; some sense of the word adventure to get comfortable in what we already know; beginning explorations to contemplate and understand where we are and have recently been; meeting new people to spend quality time with the familiar.

There were times this winter that I battled settling into this winter world. Or at least I settled in deeply and periodically lost the perspective of its temporariness. But I did. i fought the winter at times.

I appreciate drastic polarities...black and white, quiet and loud, dark and bright, gloom and cheer. Much of the time I prefer them to the grey, volume you have to strain to hear, dimly lit, emotionless, monotonous times. The polarities can be more easily understood, explained, expressed. It can be more easy to know how you are feeling, to behave, to communicate. Which requires more inner strength? The drastic extremes or the in between? i felt a little weaker this winter. Which I like to accept and be easy on myself, know that it passes, let myself be really in that. But this winter wore on. And I grew hard on myself. And the winter. Knowing it would pass, I was still demanding for more, for different.

But spring is here. Is it the grey between the black of winter and summer white? Do I prefer the middle ground? well, seasons are not this simple, and the polar extremes are just a construct, often inaccurate...but spring is here, and so is change.