Deliberation

I listen to my mind more than I think.

Deliberation.

I
listen to my mind
more than I
think.

Deliberation.

I listen
to my mind more
than
I think.

Deliberation.

I listen to my
mind more
than I think.

Deliberation.

Shalom

transformation, providing, turning love into action,
forgiveness, seeing, asking, harmony, humility,
serve, lead, consensus, resistance,
rejoicing, listen, encourage, defend, honor,
unity, interdependence, cultural competency,
mercy for self and others, love...

a process, an approach, action, strength, prevention not reaction, creative...

investment, care,
quiet, discussion

presence.

I went to a Peace making symposium led by the Lutheran Peace Foundation this morning. It was well worth waking up for.
Peace may be my rock...sitting on this one a while...approaching this multidimensional concept from every angle I CAN.

At one point during the workshop, we were asked to stand by another individual in any way we felt comfortable and imagine the violence that person had experienced and would experience throughout their life.

For two minutes I stood facing Verlon. My eyes gazed into this six and a half foot tall, three hundred pound black man's crooked eyes. Mine filled with tears.
The next two minutes were as equally intense. I visualized his journey of self-development. I recognized his similar desires for personal growth and discovery and process of betterment.

We were living peace in the midst of chaos.

Glory to past presidents

webmail.plu.edu/MBX/millerab/ATT:IMAP:8613/1/IMG_1674.JPG

Hell on Earth

Another sleepless night found me thinking about evolution and its role in society.
I was made conscious of how truly uncomfortable I was laying in my bed. My jaw kinda hangs in a funny position, creating a tension, which I believe I tend to relieve by clenching my teeth, which often wakes me up with unnerving tooth aches.

I began to think about the way sleeping positions and bedding are designed and how our bodies are possibly adapting to them, and how they constantly adapt to our bodies. A thought crossed my mind that people should be designing better beds…I mean, I can’t be the only individual with this problem! Well, then I remembered that I do not in fact sleep in a bed, that I had been laying on the floor for many hours of the past year, attempting to find a comfortable solution and stop grinding my teeth. And I laughed at myself.

But humankind has not been sleeping on beds for any significant amount of our existence.
In my delirium, I became angry at manufacturers for making my more natural sleeping preference an uncomfortable alternative. I continued to criticize our population and the adaptations we are encroaching upon ourselves and those that are imposed upon me. I worked myself into a invigorating interior monologue and kept myself awake for another couple hours.

Nonetheless, I believed I aced my Neuropsychology test today. Ironic? I think not.

Yup

I've been sitting in the library seeking jobs on the internet for the past 2 hours...again.

Wide open

Is vulnerability a defense mechanism? Afraid that something you hold onto so strongly will be torn away from your grasp...

I am talking with my friend Michael. About many things...judgments (very helpful, resist placing value on them, however), vulnerability, friendships, differences…

He wants to know why I engage with him (we have very sporadic encounters where we dive far below the surface) despite our very different values.
I tell him that the way he thinks about what he thinks about has the potential to attract me more than what he does think about...he knows that people are supposed to encounter one another for high purposes.

People's lives are driven by the meaning they value. Mike's is Christianity. He recognizes that this has led him to avoid situations and people that could pull him from that. My life is driven by the desire to be pulled away from all I assume. This has not changed much during the past 6 or so years. I am driven toward new situations that will expand my experiences in order to connect with a person I might meet in the future based on a familiarity...

Process

It's easy to remain
childlike and excited in new situations...
unchallenging to run
from the familiar that risks feeling mundane.
More difficult is it to maintain a sense of livelihood
during everyday
life that can often become a routine.

"Act well your parts, for there all the honor lies.
There are no small parts, just small actors."

Words of the wise

My friend next to me wants to start a revolution. It's not based on anything new, he informs me, but just concepts the government claims to uphold but does not in acuality. I read a one page blurb he carfully writes about Unity, freedom, equality, God, etc. He wants to start a group on campus that goes about changing things differently than the affiliations one typically finds at PLU. I ask him if he thinks a collaboration of the groups would be beneficial and he replies, "yeah, that's what I'm talking about!"

He is a freshman. Optimistic. Has beautiful ideals.
I tell him this makes me sad. He questions me, thinking I would have agreed with him. I assure him that I do agree with the need for the government to ensure these basic ideas, but the idea that they are so basic and are not upheald and the potential effects upon him I can forsee make my heart cry out and I can do nothing but give him a hug.

He tells me he has quit smoking pot and has all this energy with which to do positive things. I tell him that I can see myself leaving here in three months feeling sad that I don't know him well enough. He tells me he's had the same thought. We have eachother's phone numbers. Occasionally we use them with failed attempts to get together.

Today lent begins. Though I have never partook in the past, after a conversation last week about the tradition, I decided I would have my own lent. Every month I will try to refrain from one habit and adopt a new one.

Beth Kraig views habits as commitments. I like this idea.
Though this is not my monthly commitment, I am going to get together with Grahm before the month is over. Yup.

I remember some wise words I was told at a conference not too long ago:
That healthy adult figures will encourage even the most idealistic goals...they will always lift you up and view your ideas in a positive constructive light, never discouraging your ideals or goals.
Halfway through my conversation with Grahm I remembered these wise words.
I am thankful.

my body

the home of my brain, my mind, my potential, is a well-oiled machine.
Fuel it:
nutrients, excersize, challenges, cognitive stimuli, carefree fun,
sexual intimacy, social connection, solitude...

Loosing sleep

It is not a rare occasion that I awake after 3-4 hours of sleep feeling as if I am in the midst of a stimulating conversation: no fog obstructs my thoughts and they flow like it is 11 in the morning and I have been out of bed for 4 hours. last night, the neurons from my lateral home of language carried with immense action potential electricity across synapses, down my arm, through myelin sheaths, into my finger tips, which scribbled a pen across my journal:
Over stimulation. Boxed, divided.
Separate & a lot.
That's what the world give you.
God, I could sit and do one thing for hours on end and loose myself there.
Absorbed.
The world, I tell myself, I can't.
That I don't want to. It's no good.
Why is that? Who wins?
I forgot I used to let myself do this, have a blast organizing a drawer in my 11-year-old self's bedroom. for a whole afternoon.
The world is distracting.
"You should be wanting more"...what's next? ooooh, what's better?
Nothing, damn it!
Nothing is better than me being here without realizing it and truly being here. Time erased.
Over stimulation.
What a curse.
Let it be...

The way it is...PT III?

Another response to Bell’s post…as, apparently, I am not able to post a comment…

I too am torn between a global “virtual” community and more local tangible one. I think both are great and possible, one more valuable for some than others, but being an extremist (if you’re going to do something, do it and do it well…often leading to missed experiences, but intense few, and lately I’m not sure which one I value more anymore) I believe, one can pick one, and if committed, will be just as pleased with one experience or the other. Trust. It’s all about BELIEVING you made the right decision…none of this “grass-is-always-greener” shit.

Expression

I've come to cherish my daily walks to and from school. They act as a buffer zone between a couple states of being. I have 10 minutes to ground and prepare myself for the activities of which I am about to partake. Do your best. Whatever you are going, take your whole heart with you, right? Gosh, that makes so much sense. Why has that been so challenging lately? Over-stimulation. Options, options, options. Potential.

Well, this particular morning, I found myself strutting along to Spearhead and, too, recently preoccupied with modes of expression, momentarily decided that Being is the best mode of self expression. Well, right, you say, of course. Artists often say that life is their artwork, that their artwork is their life. I think we often forget this. That our daily actions, DECISIONS, are our clearest self-expression. I don’t want to forget this. But what is being? I mean, what an ambiguous statement…But I would like to remind myself as often as needed (the point being that after some time or repetition, the need will diminish completely) that what I am doing is who I am. And what a silly thought: that I have to remind myself that! Well, I am not ashamed to say it…I forget sometimes that my being in the world is expressing who I am and my values…I do! But what better way to express yourself (ESPECIALLY simply for yourself) than acting how you want to? And don’t forget that that is what you are doing when you are living…expressing yourself. The way you treat people, the thoughts you have most frequently, the way you react to a situation, the song you sing in the shower in the morning, the bath you take the night before, the mid-day tea you drink, the letter you wrote for your sibling, the movie you chose to rent last week. Self-expression IS being alive and being alive is self-expression.
More to ponder:
The more deliberate, realized, intended an action/thought the more or less is it part of your personality…?

humor me...

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Ashley Christine Miller, but my friends call me bovine.
>2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? dark brown, just above the ankles. Yup, I look like a hobo
>3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Spearhead
>4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? almonds
>6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? orange
>7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? probably the nicest
>3rd of Feb i've ever witnessed
8. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? hmmm...I got a text message from my friend Jason this morning, well, he wrote it last night. after we went to see Never Land, after we had a drink at Magoo's (jack and coke, kriss) after I made him dinner.
>9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? It's debateable.
>10. HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY? 22
>11. FAVORITE DRINK? Toughy...depends. I like red wine, vodka tonics, coffee drinks, Indian Pale Ales...
>12. FAVORITE SPORT? skiing. Though I like playing volleyball a lot. On the beach, cause it means it's summer. I like to golf a lot too. Oh, plus I LOVE the Kings.
>13. COLOR OF HAIR? brown
>14. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? nope
>15. SIBLINGS? one heck of a brother
>16. FAVORITE MONTH? it's always been january, but it may be shifting to november.
>17. FAVORITE FOOD? Almost as difficult! Mexican, I agree, followed by indian. mmmmm.....
>18. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Finding Neverland. And the piano before that. And before that, dodge ball, and I am going to watch clockwork orange tonight. I like movies...
>19. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Kristin's birthday. Sike! um, thanksgiving. Or Xmas eve. Or Summer solstice. Dang, I like to be alive.
>20. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT YOUR ANGER? I'd like to say I drink or work out to vent my anger, like Kriss, but I just do those as a daily part of life. I think I take it out on my loved ones. But I don't get angery very often. I get annoyed though.
>21. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A. CHILD? my rats...I must agree. My cabbage patch tricycle, microscope, parfume making kit, legos, barbies, for sure, but probably my piano would have to be thrown in there...
>22. SUMMER OR WINTER? used to be winter. Might be summer now, though I'm not convinced.
>23. HUGS OR KISSES? combo.
>24. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? hmmm...sents? vanilla. taste? chocolate.
>25. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE/E-MAIL BACK? hell's no! Never want to hear from them again!
26. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? um...Kristin.
27. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? um...Kristin.
28. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? A house with my first year roommate...yup, still going strong. And our friend, Tove. It's a kick ass house. We are throwing an all gals sex party on Friday and I'm looking up valentine's recipes for it. It's like a tupperware party...with sex toys. mmmmhmmmmm.
>29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? i would say maybe, oh, yesterday...i
>watched how stella got her groove back (insert Neverland)...im a sucker for those movies
30. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? Nothing. I sleep on the floor.
31. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? see above.
32. FAVORITE SMELLS? Vanilla. Tequilla after a doosy of a night. yeah, I'm hard core like that.
34. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? Going crazy. But on a more tangible plane, nope, going crazy. And not living life to the fullest. Such a dumb fear to have, but the fear honestly plagues me. Not reaching my full potential.
35. PLAIN, BUTTERED, or SALTED POPCORN? cheesed? and hot sauced? with brewers yeast? a lil garlic salt, perhaps? Some Spike? Yeah, I eat popcorn on a regular basis.
36: FAVORITE CAR: Toyota Celica. '78 I believe. Orange. and all Charlie's Angled out.
>37: FAVORITE FLOWER: can't tell...
>38: NUMBER OF KEYS ON KEY RING: don't have one.
>39. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Friday.
>40. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? My birthday was stretched out for a whole 4 days. Went xcountry skiing, ate a lot, drank more, went to museums...
41. HOW MANY STATES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 2 states.
42. HOW MANY CITIES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 1 city. 1 podunk town.
>43. HOW MANY CARS HAVE YOU HAD & WHAT WAS THE FIRST? 2. Tom Cruiser. Good ol Toyota MR2. And by brother's old car. it's hanging in there.
>44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In my living room in Grass Valley, CA. Woodberry Drive.
>45. DOGS OR CATS & DO YOU HAVE ANY? Dogs and cats. And I want both.