A day with importance

I feel that yesterday was a defining day. I don't think today blurs into it, in the perspective of the time line of my life. Nothing too, too drastic happened. Things just feel different.

My team played our first game in hat league last night: under the lights in the north end of Tacoma. It was a blast. Our team worked together very well, right off the bat, (what a saying), and were pretty encouraging. We lost by two after a soft cap was called because the lights were going off at 9:30, but we'll get um next time. For sure, we'll get um next time. To say the least, it's going to be a good season. And I'm excited for it.

<>Patrick beat me to the conversation that was needed. So, it got to be on his terms, which isn't surprising. This just means that we couldn't talk casually about how we've felt this last week and discuss our whole take on things WITHOUT coming to a conclusion that would change the whole basis of the relationship. So, in respect for him and his need for defined lines and resolution, things are concluded. A small part of me is sad for myself and him over what we will be missing out on, but more of me knows that I have a lot to pour my time and energy into right now that already excites me without having to put effort into getting enthused about it.
In a midnight shower I remembered a past conclusion that a lasting relationship for me will occur with a person I have been friends with already for a period of time, or someone I have gotten to know and feel close to without the expectation of an approaching relationship of THIS sort. I just realize that it takes me quite a while (at least it has in the past) to develop strong, caring, emotions for another under these conditions, and for me to prioritize their well being over my passions.

Anyway, the day ended quite well: warm shower, pajamas, couch, psych reading, homemade pumpkin pie…need I say more?

Right, right, the OTHER oldies song

You know, the one about relationships? Well, I still can't put my finger on it, but there WAS a point to me trying to think of this song...right, thoughts about relationships. Right.

So, I've gotten myself into quite a predicament. A battle within myself, I might say. Not such a horrible situation to be in, in the grand scheme of things, but not trivial, to say the least.

A few months ago, I came to the realization that I can gain something by entering into a relationship. That, yes, I still recognize and respect my former thoughts about relationships: that one sacrifices some freedom, that they should flow and evolve and from this status MAY evolve, etc. But I decided that these underlying, (generally, yes, negative) thoughts would not dominate my feelings toward them. I chose to increase my understanding of relationships as an aspect of life that can give me much more than it could ever take away. And with that thought, I immediately realized that a part of my negative attitude toward Rs (I will call them from here on out) was a slight fear of my identity being lost due to the other person’s reflecting onto me…which I realized was a silly fear not really worth having and only unveiled a slight lack of trust in myself, which was good to point out anyway…but anyway.

So, I’m just going to try to get this all out in one sloppy mess, and then if I feel like going back and clarifying myself one day, soon, then I will…but not for now…

Well, I may be almost done, at least for now…yup, pretty much…

So, with this realization, when I got myself into a situation recently, that made me have to chose a fork in the road of Rs with someone I had been spending (a little) more time with. Well, I’ll be clear: I didn’t treat him to well, didn’t give him as much attention he would have liked one night while we were partying a bit. This resulted in him being embarrassed in front of his friends, who are an important part of his life, me feeling like I should appoligize, him saying he doesn’t want to be treated like that and trust needs to be implemented into our interactions if we are going to continue down whatever road we were continuing down, us taking some time to think, and me concluding that if it had to be all or nothing, I would give it my all, as not to miss out on something with potential to be amazing or life-altering, and him saying that he accepted this, and we could continue down a road.…

But I’m afraid we did not continue down a road. Or maybe we were walking around a field, pick nicking with some friends every once in a while, when a storm occurred, and when we lifted our eyes, finally getting our umbrellas out and functioning, we were suddenly alone on a little dirt trail. We do not have the knowledge or skills gained only through experience and time together to be working as a two-person team alone in the woods. We don’t even know if we want to be on this trail, but all of a sudden, we put ourselves here. We jumped here and all of the emotions that are supposed to evolve over time are expected to be here.

I’m just saying I didn’t have the opportunity to see the road ahead of me before we were forced into the situation of having to step onto it. And now I feel like I my feet are a mile down it and my head and heart are expected to be there, but in actuality have only taken one step.

It all feels very mechanical, is what I would like to say. I made a decision based on the reasoning that I could benefit from the situation. But given that this was the process in which I entered the situation do I really have potential to benefit from it? Is that they way you enter into a relationship? I really don’t think so, now. I think asking oneself if one can benfit from a situation can often be a good question to ask…but perhaps the line is drawn when it comes to emotions.

I will continue thinking about this. Damn. Or should I…

Mama said there'd be days like this...

There'd be days like this my mama said.
Well, no she didn't. And today is not one of those days I believe the singer was writing about. The song just popped into my head while I was trying to think of the oldies song that is about relationships...you know...that one?
But this song gets me thinking. Parents don’t normally inform their children about how challenging life can be on the self…at least mine didn’t, or at least they didn’t enough that I carried the memory with me. It’s rather a strange thing that our society is very hush, hush about personal hardships, more specifically the mental and spiritual challenges that seem a large part of the human condition. But I don’t think we can blame this phenomena solely on parental approaches.

A friend told me during a recent conversation, that she thinks her brother is going to have a hard time as he goes away to college this year: that he can tend to be a bit anxious, and not very self-trusting. After making her feel comfortable with conversing on this topic, she opened up and confided that she thinks she faces similar challenges, but she is able to just deal with them better. My natural response? “Yeah, the world is a really difficult place to exist within! Some people just have better coping capabilities...." the conversation continued. Slightly.

I think individuals fear that only they feel their happiness challenged by the world and are afraid to show vulnerability if they discuss these specific worries. How relieved might people feel if these thoughts were more readily shared and people could ACCEPT that being human is often a struggle, but that this is part of being human in the world we have created, we all deal with it, we all have different strategies, and can all share in this, are connected by this, and can help each other out...

My atoms vibrate in 6/8ths time...

I heard Spearhead on the radio today. Oh what a day. How amazing is it that there is enough of a demand to hear their inspirational lyrics that stations are airing their songs? A-mazing, I say, A-mazing. There is hope yet!

I took a wonderful drive last night up to Seattle with the wonderful company of some wonderful women, Amy Post and Jane Assay, (and the surprise vocal company of Minerva Camp over the phone...pleasant surprise). We went to the Village Pub to listen to the spectacular makers of music: Flowmotion. They took my body and mind on a 4 hour journey. Those nights are some of my favorite :)

Nature, for sure nature...

Have I mentioned that I really like my classes this semester? Or more importantly, the broad array of interests in which I have been dedicating my time and mental energy? I realize, though this is the first conscious realization, that on a daily basis I address the well being of my past, present, and future selves. And it creates an ecosystem. All areas of my life are so interconnected and dependent. With a little reflection, the time I devote to one area has a direct output within another area.

This began with little direction and is only getting more vague... Good to hear.

Patrick has told me on more than one account that I am a woman of many hats. I don’t think there has been a time in my life when I have felt wiser. I am able to reflect upon and find incredible connects between my involvements. I believe that is a sure sign that one truly understands the information that is offered to/bombarding her constantly. I don’t think one can value their educational process without engaging in this mode of thinking and reflecting.

Because I am searching for the connections between music, gender, physics, leadership, sex, cultures, psychology, feminism, PLU, time, entertainment, philosophy, team-building, politics, family, religion, within everything offered to me lately (well, ideally, everything), the connections are beginning to offer themselves to me more readily and I feel damn smart, if you don’t mind me saying, damn smart.

Lovin it, loving it…

Rainy days

Its a typical hump day in Western Washington. The rain pays a visit off and on throughout the day and people walk around pretending they can ignore it. Coffee is sipped, hats are worn, hellos are exchanged. But don't get me wrong, these days are alive. Deep pockets are boiling with excitement, knowledge, opportunity...The smiles are sincere and potentials explored. I haven't written in a while (since I arrived here from California) and I don't think I will try to recall all that has happened, but I would like to start writing some more.

It feels good to be here. A lot is going on, but I have a handle on it all and myself and where I am standing in the midst of it all and what it all means in where I will be standing a few short months from now. Which will more than likely be somewhere completely different.
The opportunities are endless right now. The choices to be made: infinite. But I am not overwhelmed. I am excited about the small steps I have been taking and all that currently interests me. And the responses are encouraging and feed the excitement that much more.

But I am thankful for the position in which I am right now and try to ground myself within it. I am a wise, hopeful young woman in the midst of her last year of Undergraduate education. I am full of knowledge and smile as I strive for more. My interactions are plentiful and meaningful and my friendships full of love and appreciation. My daily challenges and decisions, though not trivial, are in the scheme of things, very blessed things to face.

I am happy, enjoying myself and learning to trust myself more and more everyday. What a fun adventure life and love can be.
Wheresoever you go, take your whole heart with you :)
~Me

Everyone deserves music, sweet music...

When I turned 16 my parents made me promise that I would not listen to music while driving in the car. The passion music evoked in me would ultimately lead to my death, they skeptically foretold...
I wish that I never grow numb.