Actualize

The realization of one's potential can be dangerous. I realize I can do things perfectly. I can be an A student. I can be a specific individual's ideal mate. But it is these realizations that can make one stagnant. Because the human is not perfect. That is not what it is to be human. The perfection of humanity lies in its ability to act upon its imperfections. There is a quote that goes something like this: Every moment one is either retreating from or further becoming what one is. Rough, but I rest my case of imperfection. At times I write to an audience. At times I live to an audience. How much do these actions differ if an audience were not a factor? But how many factors of life can you factor out to get to the nitty gritty of your being? Yes, my ego gets in the way at times. To what degree fluctuates, but yes, at times my stubborn desire to present only the best of myself even to myself gets in the way. But these are my perceptions of what is best of myself. Yes indeed, when really, it is my value of presenting the vulnerable human qualities that we all share, that I consider so close to perfection. This dualism is perhaps not the best vocabulary to be utilizing while engaging in this discussion, but it was the basis of one I had earlier today, so I am still considering these concepts.

Well, for one week, though in the comfort of blank pieces of paper, with which I feel no attachment, that hold me to no standard, I will write again. I will write completely naked. No sensor. No audience. No judgment. Just expose. Again.

3-26-2005

I'm ready
big
building
preparing
wash over me
wind whips
willows
clouds sweeping
sun
shade
sun
shade
rhythem
tears
she said I'm self-sufficient
self-sufficient she calls me.

Perched
pouncing
vast
stretches on and on forever
All before me
All around me
Swells within me

I sit on my friend's back patio.
Tracy Chapman plays behind me.
She plays.
I sip my coffee, blanketed by her grandmother's nitted gift.
And tears unbearable well within me
tears of awareness.
Of importance
Save my soul. Save myself.
She talks to her kitten.
"Tanner?" she asks her.
Her soul so naked. Stands.
So strong.
Strong in her vulnerability.

I journey. I used to call it drift.
I make my way.
No need to make way, friend.
So much to share.
I have so much
so share
with you.
To show you.
I have a gift for
you.
You'll want it.
There'll be no place to run.
Dynamic. Layers.
make your everyday life seem less mudane.
Fiction in the space between
You and Me.
None.
I accept
deapth
shallows
fears
show me

2:00 - 5:30

Money can really seclude people. They forget the joys of the library and utilize the computer that sits upon their desktops. Too good for public transportation, they drive their cars the two miles to the store then watch TV on their treadmills at the gym, rather than loading groceries into a backpack and walking or taking public transportaion. They poke fun at the local karaoke competition whose weekly winner gets to go on to the final competition at the county fair. I could go on...

Another sleepless night found me grateful for the sneezing function. Leaving my window cracked and my heater on turned the air in my room unbearably dry. At 2 I awoke with scratchy eyes and an unhappy nose. Until I sneezed. Then my body took care of itself :)

Those three hours were unsurprisingly insightful...yet again. My path becomes more and more clear. I will fill you in. Promise.

I had to wake myself up from a dream this morning. It was too painfully real.

I was visiting a familiar bend of the Bear River. It was a summer day and the sun had heated the waters to much more comfortable temperatures than usual. I was wearing headphones and the Moodyblues were causing an unbearable pressure to build in my chest. I was crawling up slowly through the shallow waters, pulling myself from round stone to round stone, each feeling disgustingly like home,fitting perfectly around the palm of my hand. I stood and noted the alternating dark,light, dark, light of my traveled road, caused by the trees' protection of its domain below: almost an agreement between these grandfathers and the youthful rays of which stones, drops, fish, girls they were bound to touch.
"Beauty I'd always missed, with these eyes before.
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore."
The rocks and waters had seeped into my skin and welled within me, causing the pressure to rise into my throat. I turned from the shore to which I had so safely clung and with meditated step by meditated step, began moving my body towards the river's heart. My eyes were fixed upon the growth beckoning me from the other side, but my self was elsewhere. It was mourning, it was celebrating. Lost. Found. It was collapsing in pain. It had transcended with joy.
"cause I love you...Oh, how I love you!...ooo,oooo. Ohh, o, how I love you, o, oooh."
I loved these waters ,this river, that bend. But it was no longer mine and I was no longer theirs. I was forced into alienation by my memories of acceptance that haunted my youth.
My whole being ached with the worst kind of homesickness: that of childhood.

Gratitude

I have been very thankful for my shell necklace lately. People from many backgrounds have used it as an excuse to start up a conversation.
It closes a gap, creates a bridge for humanity.
A little shell.