Visions in lates and grass

To be grateful and content while simultaneously unsatisfied, growing, and challenged. This is the conundrum of my life as Ashley Miller. Does someone who places such importance on becoming one’s best self, on discovery, experience, understanding, and purpose ever find contentment in something constant? If so, what aspect of life does it touch…love, career, self-realization, health? And the perspectives within which areas need to change to balance this constant that becomes the all important? If not, how does one truly accept the purposefulness of constant motion and perceived progression? Does she tune out the pulls and whispers of convention within her mindset, argue with the mindsets of others around her…does she live a purpose so full of unrest but of constant evaluation and adapting that it is accepted as conventional…

Its Monday tomorrow, august 11th, 2008 and I will wake up late morning on Main street in Napa, California, in the united states of America on the North American continent of the planet earth within the galaxy Milky Way. I will wake up a female in her mid-twenties, unattached to a significant other. Hmmmm….

And here it is, Monday August 11th, and I sit a strong, determined human being…envisioning all this life has to offer, all I will see, hear, feel during my time on earth.

I awoke much earlier than I thought this morning. Though it feels so great to approach the day with a full night’s rest, the days I awake and the day is all my own I am just too excited to drift away in bed. These are the days, fortunately, that 8 hours of sleep does not noticeably affect the way I go about the day. Challenging days at work definitely benefit with being at 100%.

So I threw on my running shoes and jogged down to Fuller park on the other side of downtown Napa. There is something so empowering about being far away from anywhere you might want to be later and knowing only your feet can bring you back there. I passed people watering their yards, others who wished me a great morning , young mothers exercising with groups of baby strollers, and youth out strolling to a soundtrack only their ears can hear. I run by the café in which I now sit and stretch in the park by my house. Yoga motions calm my always racing mind and center my energy. And I walk away grateful and empowered.
I see my 30 something self, walking a stroller next to a similar tree protected park, hand in the hand of another who is by best friend, my inspiration, my partner in dreams, business, the daily doldrums…I see us satisfied by the work we do, having time away from it to sleep in the woods, drive across the country, drink wine over Sunday dinners with family, meditate, stretch, and fornicate…

Because I can see it, it will be mine.

Keeping in touch...

It's difficult without internet. I've been writing my thoughts in my little black book lately...even more so, turned on to photo documentation again. However, sans internet, I now so vow to type while at home, post while enjoying the wi-fii and beer of others...

Oh sweet world. Hmmm….

I just returned from two days away, an escape towards bliss. It was beautiful. After a full day at the winery I was greeted at my house by a beautiful man with flowers in his hands…( he gave me potted flowers, enough said. He had left me a message to have a bag packed with a swim suit, some hiking shoes, and something warm and to wear something nice, he will be there to pick me up at 7:30. So, five minutes early, he helped me put my pet in its cage, load up my stuff, we put his music equipment in my storage for our Tuesday return, and we made our way towards downtown napa. A bottle of wine in hand, my eyes closed, we skipped to restaurant Allegria where he had reserved the best table in the house: within the private vault of this refurbished old bank. It was beautiful. Over candlelight we dined on crab cakes, fresh greens, skirt steak satay, fresh bread and olive oil, and saffron pasta. We started our drive to the coast with our current favorite cd blasting and chocolate in mouth, accompanied by a night sky full of stars. After a quick stop at Skaggs Island, we decided we better try to check in before midnight at our inn. I had no idea where we were going, but I could taste the salt in the air as we winded up the 101. We pulled into Stinson Beach about 12:30 and the door to our room at the Redwood Haus was left agar for us. I love waking up with this man. It is always after a restful sleep…something about his presence puts me at ease and I sleep so soundly. I’ve even turned into a nap taker while he’s around. And we wake up singing and giggling and grateful for the day. So on this Monday morning, we got on our hiking gear, headed downstairs for some breakfast, then set out on Mt. Tamalpais. It was a great morning with fog then sun, a bit of getting lost, steep ravine and dipsea trails that led to an afternoon of play at the beach. Saul likes to use and feel his body as much as I so we cart wheeled, played Frisbee and invented a new lacrosse-like game even. After he jumped in the ocean and this chicken stayed ashore, we took a siesta and reinvented 4:20 to our liking. I snuck away for surprise espressos before our hike back to get the car. The conversations with this man are incredible. He is quickly becoming an incredible friend. And it scares me. And its comfortable. And it awakens my soul and it hurts my heart. He lights me on fire and he soothes me completely. And it scares me but I jumped in completely anyway. So we played Beemo out on the cliffs, Saul had to hurdle the fence, and we headed back to clean up. Before another outing I got to see some footage from his last show. This man in a suit, playing blues with some incredible musicians is a captivating experience. But we tore away for some oysters by the sea side. Another reason I appreciate this lovely one? I order us beers, he orders us shots of patron, we both want half raw and half BBQed oysters, no sauce, just garlic and butter and spice. We fit. He even dances with me in the middle of restaurants when I ask for his hand. So he teaches me blessings in Yiddish to honor our alcohol and aphrodisiacs and we play rummy for hours. After meeting every possible person in the bar, we decided that a warm bed and a movie was the next best thing. So we laughed all the way home and were probably way too loud trying to pick the best VHS in the Inn and make cinnamon toast, but we found ourselves watching Alien Resurrected for a maximum of 15 minutes before falling into slumber. This morning we were awakened by the Inn keeper playing his trumpet outside our window (Saul and him really hit it off, but he gets along with just about anybody and everything, except dairy). After a talk about how people wake up and watch the news and how terribly depressing that can be, we decide to start our day with a little Roy Rogers video. Much more pleasant . So we laced up our running shoes and greeted the day with a jog…to run out the tequila, beer, wine, and mudslides from the night before…and raced along the beach. This time I swam. It was incredible. First time in the ocean for 2008…I couldn’t believe it! We shared a hot shower, packed up our things and headed down the street for a bite to eat and some much-needed coffee, realizing it was already 2 in the afternoon. We shared some pokey and a steak sandwich and fries, some more kisses and laughs and made our way back toward home. Our timing being off, we had to stop in San Rafael so he could teach an online guitar lesson. He hunkered into a wi-fii café and I walked the streets and bought a new dress for work. I found him some new albums too: Ray Charles sings the blues and some Van Morrison, so now he’ll fix his player. Now I’m back in Napa, sipping some tea after unpacking some things. Saul’s doing another lesson before his show tonight which I will head to later. And tomorrow morning I will begin two days of double-shifters and he will leave. And I will miss him. Like I already do. I already do. And it scares me. And I don’t care. But it hurts, it is painful. And I am so full of pleasure when I’m beside him. Hmmmm…

Blessed is this life, I'm going to celebrate being alive

My car smells of a vineyard. It smells delightful. Yeast, grape leaves, and rich soil swirled sweetly on my drive home tonight. I finished my 3rd day of work. I love it. Almost on the dot, I laugh out loud every half hour that I am where I am, doing what i am doing. It is beautiful and words cannot even begin to describe.

So I love this crew. I can foresee us all getting along very nicely and it feels so good to be a part of it. Day one was excellent. Many introductions, we gave a morning tour and tasting, lunch at the brewery and a drive to some of our vineyards with Wendy, and little intro to the tasting room. Tuesday was another good one. We did a full reserve room tasting with food pairing and I worked a couple hours in the tasting room. I love it: I like making sales, meeting the visitors, pouring beautiful wine. And we got a carpool going, which will be great. A few of us live on the north end of napa, so I'll probably only drive up a couple days a week.

I went in later today. We did a full dinner and wine pairing with the Silverado resort for 17 Shell executives. It was picturesque. After rolling in on their bus to our back reserve room, they were greeted by Wendy and me with pinot noir and Savignon Blanc on a gorgeous patio surrounded by one of our vineyards, olive trees, fountains and old barrels. The weather was perfect, the sunset was great, and they were a good crew. After appetizers and quite a few bottles, we took them to our dinning room fit for a queen. We paired a starter salad with Chardonnay, the main course with our Cabernet, threw in a surprise reserve cab, then finished desert with a bellmoscato.

I have the day off tomorrow. And life hasn't been just all about work since I've been here. All of 3 days :) The garden house is incredible. It is 5 miles up into the hills on the north side of Napa and so serene. Its 5 bedrooms are made of stone and wood floors and it feels so good to be over looking the city, vineyards and farms. There are 3 living rooms, a hot tub, and its on the garden for Ubuntu...what more could you ask for! So, yes, I've done some gardening for Rose while she is away in Mendocino, got moved in a bit, saw some live music in town, had the most amazing breakfast date with company that makes me smile, just thinking bout it...

But, yes, it is all very amazing and breathtaking. I really have to laugh quite often that this is my reality. Tomorrow I meet with the Bounty Hunter again about working there a few nights a week, I'm going to taste at a new winery, and I think I will go to the Chef's market downtown. Friday work begins with a staff meeting with the winemaker, Dean, who I simply adore. He is such a great man, from what I have already gotten to know. We are going to taste all the current releases with him and get some great notes. Saturday a big wedding party is coming through...36 of them! I got to serve the bride and mother yesterday in the tasting room and prepare their wedding party gifts. That will be a fun day. Sunday I have off. I'm going to a southern Presbyterian-type? church in Oakland with the amazing breakfast company :) then to a BBQ to give homage to wild pacific salmon. where we will eat wild pacific salmon and work to protect them? hmmmmm....

Anyway, I couldn't have asked for(or, rather, worked hard to achieve) a more perfect situation.

To being blessed.